kaichuen.

2008-05-23T14:46:00.003+08:00

okay, i didnt know what compounded me to write something so technical about the wonders of the world of Marvel because i am supposed to be very reflective and write about emo stuff all the time (according to you)

have you ever wondered how things can change when you are in passivity? when the more you dont do anything but soaking them all in will result in radicality of mutated forms. i think the word i can use here is conformity when there is a social stigma to stick together and not be different, that results in the disillusionment and the desensitisation of the human faith and feelings.

because of the two H1 paper that had driven me to a new mugging mode, where there's so much to remember and so much to experience and when the past has led to a classic impact on the future and especially the present now, things in the social circle for me is turning to a bad state. i know you told me once before, and i guessed i have told myself many times before, that its not worth it if conformity leads to a less than ideal outcome of fellowships and bondings, and one's own belief must still be the centre of all decisions, yet it seems there's a direct relationship to the word loneliness. all i know now is that i still have you guys there where i can place my embrace into, if not physical then psychological, the people that are in small pockets of my everyday life. the only irony is that they were the people i thought i was conforming to then, some of them at least. for you all who still matters, for you all whom i still could develop any emotions too, i hope it will propel further into my life forever, that it will stay there forever in my heart.

i remembered blogging about relationship being personal rather than group, but maybe i am the only poor soul who sought to think otherwise, with adverse effects of course. if its not working for me, i hope at least i have not destroyed my own concept of life. till then, academics will have to suffice, and for you all that are still around, i will cherish, without a doubt.

this is to you too, my best friend. for whatever happens, i am there as much as you were once there for me. for i remembered you raising a point that i should move forward when i had a breakdown then and stop relying on you. and i disliked it one bit then. but guys are guys, and the absence of emotions will be the strength of our relationship. i am glad that you are able to stand up again without my prior notice. but whatever happens, i will still be there, not just a phone call away, because i hope i will never have to be away from you.

2008-05-17T21:40:00.002+08:00

when Iron Man made his way into the big screen, the latent potential of my interest in superheroes, especially the universe of Marvel and its superheroes, suddenly ensued out like artesian wells that has found their exits from their groundwater storage.

When it all began with Batman and Spiderman taking turns entering Hollywood, i thought of them as singular and not of the bigger picture that they all belong to Marvel. Even Hulk and Fantastic Four and definitely X-Men, just to name a few. Yes, we all know that superheroes are easy money in the showbiz but I have failed to realise how boys a few generation before me had spend countless amount of their childhood and adolescent years reading comic issues of their favourite superheroes.

Until Iron Man came about, he was like my posterboy of Marvel, because of his metallic body and his not-so-human outlook. And when i found out that Iron man has a post end-credits scene that we have sadly missed, about the Avengers, which seemed like a very old name from an ancient comicbook, it finally got me thinking that these superheroes are intertwined by the very creators of Marvel.

I still remembered Iron Man from one of the few cartoon series when i was young, he didnt appeal to me much because of the graphic i guess, but they are already animated. Spiderman and Batman may have been immortalized but Iron Man had got me wanting more. I wish to dwell back into my father's generation, into those days where every comic issue was worth anticipating for. Plagued by modernisation, i decided to wiki on Iron Man which I hardly know anything about except for the movie and the metals and i got so much information of the Avengers. Marvel had definitely come a long way. I have but just touched the tip of the iceberg.

While you are preoccupied with Lumpy the Heffalump and the newly introduced Katie, i wished to be able to experience what it is like reading all the issues of all the superheroes created by Marvel. Especially when Marvel has just begun including a political stance in their comics where all of the big names come together. But that may wait until after A's, because right now, the A's have got to be my comic issue, a chapter of the story of my passage in life.

2008-05-02T22:26:00.002+08:00

and the common tests were over before i realised what hit me. and time passed even quicker as i am tormented by the various obstacles that undoubtedly blinded my very judgement of life. its already the beginning of may, two months since my latest post and finally i am able to sit down and start typing, start over the life i once had.

but not for long. this calm assumption will only last me a few more days before the stark reality of the midyears will haunt me once more. the first ones especially the H1s, which i havent begun to even revise.

the main reason i have gathered as i honed my skills of self-reflection away from my blog, is complacency and a really thick head of thinking that i am a busy man and thus can be excused from any results below expectation. the previous entry before this actually meant very little to what i have come to rely upon. true, i felt the calmness, of being in control of examinations, but there's only the very fact that i have been through countless no. of exams, and an equal no. of exams which turned out to be failures. that's why i have tricked myself to be emotionless about any results lack thereof. the constant reminders from my alter ego says "excused because of commitments beyond any normal human beings, excused because i have already tried my best"

what's worse, after the failure of the common tests, i rejoiced deep within because i made myself believe that i did better than many people. which is true, but is false too. and common tests come before march hols, and i am not prepared and the syllabus is too much. the list goes on.

i quietly wait for the next test and then my next verdict. i will not so much as promise anyone anything about any results. but this time, i will humbly take the tests and much as i want it. as much as i really will, try my best. i hope this time, i am in the right path.

because this time, studies is my excuse for anything else.

2008-03-01T22:38:00.004+08:00

never have i felt so calm before the onslaught of a major examination.

no its definitely not because i prepared sufficiently, or boosted my ego significantly, its just like every other examinations thus far; the feeling of minute hopelessness, sudden gush of fake confidence, and making sure that everything will go well because i have managed to saturate my brain till it holds every single detail. with the false sense of security i will walked through every examination hall, and then panicked during the paper, and tell myself i will try better after this.

is it because i finally got used to this routine? does that mean it doesnt mean anything to me anymore? i believed that its neither the two. every examination oozes a different aura, a different level of alarm and grief. and they always meant something to me, not just a gauge, not just a point of reference; but a promise.

yet, my life is such that it just seemed that there's so much more that's important in this life. that i finally realised that even though we are students, examinations cannot take the very essence of humanity away. we cant bluff ourselves into thinking that its the priority, its our life, and the real life awaits because of what we are doing now.

after listening to so many people having conflict with life and examination, of how there's still the emotions in all of us to think about what hits the heart the most, of how loved ones arent doing so well, of how things dont seem too well in a relationship, how they are affecting studies and the ability to perform; i think i need you all to know, that we should believe in ourselves and believe in the capacity we have as humans to treasure what really mean the most to us. of course, we should all strive for excellence in academics, but it cannot be seen as an obsession, of life in itself. but i strongly believe in just trying your best in doing what you think is right and then to obliterate all worries. as long as our hearts lie unconvinced and thoroughly hurt and exhausted, examinations will never be at our full capacities.

i realised that i am alittle calmer, because i know whatever grades i receive, they are a true reflection of how much i tried, despite the trials that come. they are reflections of how much i have screwed my life with making sure the rest of the other aspects of my life is catered to. they make you realised how much something matters to you and as long as the spirit and passion remain, remember we can always do the impossible. its two days before this round of examination begins and i hardly completed my revision, i am sure it would not be wonderful, but i will keep trying. keep trying but never destroying the flame that burns within.

take care, and do your best. and laugh over it, knowing you can make the difference. because if you fail, you just got to make sure you try harder. because if you shine, then you have done the impossible. and if you just passed, you are perfectly human, and loved.

this is for all of you pulling your hair out in frustration, keep faith.

and especially for you; because i know its been a rollercoaster. make sure you ride it first, and let me ride it with you, and only when the last descent, will we hop off and shine together. you know i will always be here when you need me; because i would never want to see you giving up and giving in to failure. i know you are much more than that, it doesnt have to be this common test. but i want you to know, i will watch over you no matter what because i care for you. so keep that chin up and it will be over before heffalumps become centres of attraction again. (and all the promises for the weeks to come.)

she will be in my prayers, and you will smile more, not because you studied enough, but because you chose to embrace life, rather than embrace chemistry lecture notes.

2008-02-28T19:55:00.002+08:00

its crazy knowing that just a little less than a year, we were new j1s oblivious to everything about cjc, starting life's next journey, making sure its all perfect.

today's welcoming ceremony brings me back to that time when i was one of those eager j1s, a htc for the class i barely knew, receiving the collar pin knowing that life moves on another chapter. knowing that i belong there and will have my life revolves around it, a second chance to a new environment. i fully understood how these j1s felt, affirmed and part of the cj family. seeing my classmates putting on the collar pins for the juniors, admist my very own, it dawned onto me how much we have grown. the significance of just one year, little it may seemed, was a full transformation; of hope, of maturity, of confidence.

slowly, we will see how things arent as stagnant as it seemed; how change is essential, and significant enough at that. how we will learn to adapt, and relook at our very own core of principles; of beliefs and paradigms. and finally come to terms, knowing that we have entered a whole new realm of the real world.

to ig31, 1t31, ig13, for you have been the closest j1s as 2008 begins. i wish you well, and i wish you all will never give up, on the passion and drive you guys always had within yourself. always believe in yourself; fall down and climb back up.

and to 2t36, as we begin our route till the end, never forget that i had faith in you guys from the very beginning. and in the end, this experience of our class, will only be embedded in our memories of cjc forever.

good luck in finding the strength, good luck in all the obstacles.

2008-02-05T23:29:00.000+08:00

how much courage does it take to move out of your comfort zone and search for the truth?

how much pain are you willing to bear to understand the truth that may hurt deep down into the spine?

how much would you do for a friend you never did trust at first?

one day, you began to realise that nothing can be seen at face value, that what you see is not exactly what you get. that what you get is not really truly whatever you get too.

i believe in personal relationship more than the relationship, the health of a group. trust should be forged between two person regardless of any circumstances. little did i realise how trust can be compared and how its can be compared to a level where there leaves a casualty. where the smaller trust results in distrust and betrayal.

this is to a girl who meant quite significantly to me.

i dont know what happened but things went into a downfall. and its an irony because it had to be us. when all things were crazily fine. when i thought our friendship was splendid and nothing could break the two of us up, or maybe the three of us up, there seems to be an increasing pressure of mistrust. is it because it may seem too perfect, that doubts started to surface? or is it of external factors that relinquish the trust that we always had with one another?

i would never doubt you, but it seems i have grown tired of explaining times again and again about myself. of course, i would want to be innocent but the other party would be closer to your heart and it would be a difficult situation. i remembered telling you that trust is always relative and its very different from truth. letting go is much easier than letting in, and i can no longer explain anymore. what's best for you is for you to be in your comfort zone and not have turbulence trying to find the truth in me. all i ever wanted is for you to be happy, even if it would mean you not getting the side of the story.

al that is left for me to say is for you to believe in me.

because never have i encountered such misunderstanding, such psychological attack on an already wounded,exhausted soul of mine. i will do fine without your support, but i will not do fine with a resentment from your part.

from the very beginning, when we have already met, we are and will forever be friends. but i can no longer be comfortable with expressing myself to you again.

sorry for creating such opportunity for an ending. it is in my deepest regret.

and thank you for everything really. for those times spent knowing that i played a part in
crafting your life story and for you to have crafted my very own.

friends forever. :)

2008-02-05T23:08:00.000+08:00

this year, i have been drifting in the background, absorbing everything that came my way. people's feelings; people's perception of life; of hope; of togetherness; of seperation.

it began during orientation when the spotlight was on the new j1s. and subsequently in council, in every aspects of my life.

sometimes you feel that you arent there for yourself, you were merely there for the other people around you. and no, its not about you doing anything for them, but just you in the shadows of the rest, listening to other lives' stories instead of forging your own.

and when i thought about those thoughts, i realise that actually i had done what a kaichuen would do. to be there for others when they most needed someone. to be the support, the playmaker. to be there for one of my best friends to win the heart of another girl, to be there to prevent more political unrests in the upcoming 2nd orientation, to be a body part: a shoulder, a ear.

i kinda like what i am involved in now, to know that i could make a difference for the better. the most i could do for someone else to forge their own story. just to be that one element in their life stories, to let them cross the boundary of accomplishing their one shot at fame; at recognition. no matter how small the role is. yet to know you all even considered asking me for some guidance, i really want to thank you guys for giving me that affirmation that i meant something to you all.

to that best friend who would know who he is after reading this, that everything that i have said to you, is what i would have done if i were you. as much as you will take the final victory,it doesnt matter to me, for everything that i have done. i chose to want to be there for you. i just want to say that, you cannot lose hope and you got to keep trying because i havent lost faith in you. write that wonderful story, and make me proud.

sometimes, a hero needs to be in the shoes of his sidekick to know what it truly meant to be that main character.

sometimes, a sidekick is actually a hero too and a greater hero at that.he is the hero for a hero.

2008-01-20T15:38:00.000+08:00

river tributaries come together to form a single stream.
the source, the beginning was rocky, unpolished.
but as the paths continue down the ever-quest of reaching the final goal of the sea,
paths were joined, the energy of the river becomes much more.
united. voluminous.

and when i see all the different faces, i see uncertainty, fear, but on the other realm : carefreeness, the strong desire for discovery, the strong willpower, belief and self-confidence emanating from every individual.

that was the beginning of the third day of the new year.

you all effectively brought me back one year ago, when i was directly in your shoes, fresh from a chapter of my life, not exactly ready for the next, yet time waits nobody.

because of this, the thought never left me throughout the 6 days. that everyone of you have a story to tell. that everyone of you is unique and complicated beneath just the shell of a new student in cjc. and to have all your stories converging into a single one, it was more than abstract. i chose to listen, to understand your life because i didnt want you all to lose the pasts.

and then we introduced, and we moved on together. me as your driver, me as your link. i began to see magic, a magic resonating from everyone of you. the feeling of feeling for one another. yet i could hardly remember how i did it myself. you all effectively reminded me of who i am once more.

being able to smile in a foreign environment. being able to start to smile. everytime i see you all enjoying yourself, it makes me feel that everything i did was worth it. i need you all to know, everything you all did for one another and for me, its all worth it too.

at the end of the eighth day of the new year, i thought what i have done was over. to facilitate that magic, to give sparks that will unite all of you. from the becoming of acquaintances to friends. and i remembered how widely i smiled that finale night. that finale that brings about a new beginning. and its back to my own reality, while you guys carry on by yourself. i may only be a memory to your beginning.

that is why, you dont know how much you made me feel, IG31, when you gave me a card with all the affirmations. the thankyous, when i thought i should have my thankyous for you all too. you all made me feel that orientation was not just a reality, but one special journey.

keep striving, and keep believing in yourself and keep believing in the faith that brought all of us together.

thank you, IG31. thank you, 1t31.

2008-01-20T00:51:00.000+08:00

4 weeks into the new year, life have never been this busy.

last year didnt seemed to have an ending, i can hardly remember how i spent that last day of 2007, when the clock struck 12 way into midnight. it was a lazy "happy new year" to my lovely mom and it was back to some mundane stuff i got to complete everyday. and that was the end of JC1 life, that year of constant motion, unrest, surrealism. the year of "vehement deluges."

this entry is about promises. its about believing in yourself, and believing in believing.

why resolution?
why new year's resolution?

because i never believed in them. i could not remember when i forgotten about the need of constant rejuvenation, of sharpening the saw, the 7th habit of "highly effective people". my stand was that years were merely forms of recognition, of proper filing of things; yet time , i felt, were never once sectionalised into phases. everything from the time you were born, the past they called it, rides itself into the future, the you now is the summation of the yous 17 years ago. it became definite to me the crossing of 2007- 2008.

and i thought many didnt too. promises were made by myself, for myself, anytime i see fit. But have i really promised to promise myself? Or have i just gone by instincts the last year? Was i sharpening the saw, or was the saw sharpened by the obstacles that come my way? And as i stepped into a new "phase" of time, do i resign to my paradigm of time? Or is it about time I held to my promise years ago in the white shorts, the simple promise of being my very best?

And resolutions come alive once again in that very forgotten heart of mine. Oh yes, i want to make a promise to myself this "year". its a simple resolution of knowing that i have not forgotten about myself, of knowing that the promises i made stay in me forever. of being the one i can be proud of once more.

i never believe in that phrase that promises are meant to be broken. and i will hold through to that belief. or will i not? lets get moving.

copy. paste.
4 weeks into the new year, life have never been this busy.

copy. rephrase.
Will i sharpen the saw, or will the saw be sharpened by the obstacles that come my way?

copy. paste.
2007.

2007-12-26T22:15:00.000+08:00

sometimes there's so much uncertainty in life, you dont know what to make of it, dont know what to comprehend, and unsure of how to deal with the constant fear of the unknown.

the uncertainty of your future path, the uncertainty of the dangers that lie ahead. the uncertainty of the uncertainty.

sometimes there's faith too, the presence of confidence and the trust even if we travel to the ravines of the unknown. the knowing that even if you are unknowing, everything will still turn out right. (even if its wrong.)

what makes then, the constant struggle between the two equally dubious human nature? do we try to make sure we find the answers, no matter how ugly and how dangerous the truth is, or do we remain faithful and keep believing that life is not as bad as we all think?

when it comes to human relations, this all reaches another level. because where uncertainty lies, it means distrust, when distrust occurs, it means losing a friend, losing a close one, losing the love of your life. if that's the ending result, then why not trust wholeheartedly. will that be easy? will that ever be easy?

for me, i go with the latter to the previous question. i like having faith in people. and of course, lots of people have faith in other people. we tend to give ourselves more, and give ourselves easily. but is that because we want others to have faith in us too? do we trust others for others to trust ourselves? how deep would that be to the heart? and when finally the truth comes, the hurt remains everlastingly.

i still have a tinge of faith, this reservoir of endless faith in me that kept me going, that i can often tap into when truth deceives me. how long will that last then, how long will others last? is that in itself deception? i always believe that we should make the best of what we can in our lives. (because its singular and all)

so no matter what, so no matter how uncertain what lies ahead, i still choose to live by promises. because for me, promises are not meant to be broken. promises may stay, promises may break. promises lie not in the end-result, its the process of wanting to make a promise. like many lessons learnt, many experiences gained. we may break a promise, but without even making that promise; to others, to yourself, do we even have the chance to keep faith? or will we be more uncertain of life's trials?

but promises: they keep us all stronger, keep us all alittle more -faithful, throughout a lifetime.

2007-12-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

When the year draws to an end, the weather drops around here. cold and silent, like the winters in some countries away from the equator. The heat dissipates, and disappears like there is no more drive to continue striving as we all did throughout the year. Coincidentally, our break falls in the month of December, as the silence draws long before we have another new year of meeting datelines, meeting goals, meeting new friends.

This year, i realised the importance of this break, this timeout. After all the vibrancy of 2007, of loss, of hope, of grief, i realised i have more or less lost the meaning of living truly despite the flamboyant nature, despite the many trials and events i had to face. of course, we still stick to the bare minimum of identity, of socialising. Yet we aren't exactly living but anticipating for the next major events where we can get back to who we truly are. Though we all shouldnt be complaining as we are striving for excellence in academics, but it is often essential to understand how we are exactly living our lives. True, academics takes priority, yet its not our lives but part of our lives.

And that's why holidays bring us back to where we left off for our academic quest, it brings us back to reality with a tint of magic. because reality is not when we are pursuing education, reality is when we can choose to live like how we want to live.

Yet we must know, that as long as we can manage time well, that the whole year can be holidays for us, when we are able to reflect and remember who we truly are. and that's what i set out to do next year. i wish that i would not be absorbed into the cycle of schoollife that i will ultimately forget myself once more, that every second that we are living are entitled to our very own choices, and our very own paths to choose from.

but still then, how has the holidays been for you?

"This list, these people, their future is written on their DNA just as the past, it seems, is written in stone. Was the die cast from the very beginning, or is it in our own hands to alter the course of destiny? Of all our abilities, it is free will that truly makes us unique. With it we have a tiny but potent chance to deny fate and only with it can we find our way back to being human."

Heroes "Six Months Ago"

2007-11-18T00:53:00.000+08:00

"look at this photograph, everytime i do it makes me laugh.."
Photograph- Nickelback

flipping through the pages of a photo album, peppered with photographs, color and greyscale, i see all the smiles of the people i love and would regard as my loved ones forever.

captured forever are the smiles, the youth, the radiance and especially the togetherness; the connectivity that still binds us today, binding us forever in each brilliantly-taken photo with love.

it's no wonder that our moods are always at cloud nine, always at our best, because never will we take a photo of a moment of sadness, anguish, pain. but then, this meant that photographs arent stories of our lives. they are stories, chapters of our happiness.

but as time passes, we live what we called life and go about toiling, persevering, long forgetting about those memories that was left behind in smooth paperbacks, frozen in time. did we take a photo so that we can remember the happiness? did we take them so that we can look back on all those beautiful emotions? or did we take them, as an excuse to tell ourselves that we did enjoy life, and so the hardship is worth it?

when i looked back at all those photos my mom suddenly showed it to me, the word nostalgic came to my mind. the nostalgia wasnt from friendship, it was really family. after grandmother passed away, the whole family of relatives and all seemed to grow more sensitive, like the fabric of life grew alittle less, alittle more fragile. i know i felt that way, and when i looked at the photos, some of them with grandmother inside, lively and smiling prettily with obvious signs of aging, never would i thought she would one day be gone, i felt funny. a burning sensation of wanting to go back to the past.

then there were photos of me when i was growing up, when i was a mere toddler, innocent, and devoid of the feelings that i have now, devoid of comprehension and knowing only fun. frozen in action, i see myself chewing toys, looking cheeky.

of course
the smiles are always there.

it awes me to know that before me, life had continued for my parents, for my uncles and aunties, when their parents were alittle younger, my grandmother. when my father was so much younger and when mom and dad were courting and then finally married. i couldnt help but look at the people around the photos, oblivious to the snapping of the bulky camera, my uncles and anyone i know now captured in candid. they had their cool moments then. it awes me to realise that sometimes i am confused with the amount of time we are given. sometimes its incredibly fast and you cant get enough, but when you look back into the past, it seems eons away when its only 17 years of my age.

when life gets so tough, some people goes back to looking at photographs, but wouldnt that make it all the more sadder? to know that what's once present is now no longer existent. to know that those happiness, those youth will never be the same again? that should be what my mom thinks when she looks back.

but looking at such photos, it really doesnt fail to make you smile. i know i did. and a genuine smile that is near extinct now in this world. even if it meant looking at someone you dont quite know but hes actually you four times smaller and that much cuter.

if you got the time, look back once more. take out that ancient, crumpled photo album with one side of the cover missing. immerse yourself in forgotten memories, for they will surely bring you further. for those smiles and laughters are priceless beyond anything we can ever get.

2007-11-15T23:27:00.000+08:00

jack of all traits, master of none.
it seems like a negative connotation. actually it is.
and that's what some people had described me as. :)

and indeed, i have come to realise that i have always been trying to expose myself to as many things as possible, never seriously indulged in anything that i am good at. what am i even good at? humour me people.

since i discovered more about myself, a few years back, i realised i have been jumping from an area to another. i remembered how it began long time ago, when i was in more than 4 ccas in primary school. and when i was chosen to be in the badminton team for sji and i decided to join ncc, venturing into the unknown aimlessly and enthusiastically. when all my fellow classmates did not choose to become an ace leader and i went forward to experience the differences. when at the end of sec 4, i decided to learn how to cycle and to learn how to ice skate and roller blade. when i wanted to try music in the form of playing the guitar and trying out martial arts this year.

on a lighter note, or a scarier note, i will be serious in completing things i have started. very serious indeed, like making sure i dont miss out anything and every word in a serial like prisonbreak. rewinding back if someone interrupts just a mere sentence.

since young, i had this dream. to complete all the books in the world and all the games. of course, reality got the better of me. when i converse with royston, i was surprised. he had the same goals as me, same dreams. same passions. is this good, bad? or just a character trait?

to me, life's singular. and every experience we have will ultimately be accumulated and bound onto our lives. a life that we call our own. and that's what makes all of us different, special in our own ways. perfection vs assortment, being there done that, i chose the latter. and i believe that there's nothing wrong with both choices. being perfect in something has an opportunity cost of not being able to expose yourself to something else. while i, i wouldnt be really perfect in something at all.

most importantly, this entry existed because of TIME. and its only because of time that we had to choose, everyone wants to be perfect in everything they try, everything they set out to do. but if i am gonna die one day, let me enjoy everything that the human race has invented so far. as long as we derives happiness from the everyday thing we do, its all that matters.

i am a jack of all traits, what are you?

2007-11-05T00:27:00.000+08:00

an update on my life.

it has been an eternal struggle even towards the end of 2007.
after the promos, it was natural for me to hibernate, and to bank on the many wonders of stayovers and mere city-crashing with the bunch of guys.
that special bunch of you guys, yl xd roy.
but.

we have to make sure that chinese As and OP have to be contemplated with. and it was like a hallucination for me, i am sure for most of you too. it seems we have been trained endlessly to be at our continual best efforts, that there's just too many things to mark one as truly significant. and then we all deviate our strengths, knowing that we can never fall back and try to revitalise because there's just no chance. no time.

and come to think of it, we all had to do what we all had to do. and just like that, two major examinations ended without much of a fanfare.

we were all definitely exhausted.

those two examinations was pretty significant to a certain extent.

a few centuries of chinese education, to be more specific, 10 years plus 2years of kindergarten's introduction and it was all boiled down to that one paper. during that examination, i had that mentality throughout the paper and of course, you can never squeeze everything into that one paper. i was not fully contented. :) but it was the best i could do.

chinese language has always been that reflective side of us, teaching us more than just mere facts but there was an element of feelings, an element of morals and virtues. and if we were all alittle more attentive, we would really learn alot from the mere "textbooks" of 12 years.

if i pass this H1 paper, it will be the very last formal chinese paper i set out to do. and then it will be more or less at the back of our heads. a whole world of language in a forgotten realm. just this once more, cheers to that second language i have always neglected.

then there was PW, the course of a year of messy, informal discusssions and haphazardous displays of resources, even some we made up with our genius minds. but our effort pays off. definitely for me, because that groundbreaker was de la salle. and it mattered quite alot to me. to know that this time, education comes in the form where you can negotiate, where you can do something that pleases you. the difficulty lies only in the coordination and the teamwork of my group but as long as we keep striving, it was more than just a pleasant surprise when we pulled it off during the oral presentation. cheers to you guys, adam, yingying, chris, cheryl.

and life continues, after a slumber or half a slumber at hsuante's, i feel much more insync with life. more in control once more. of the choices that will forge my very life. and i know there's nothing but the very journey that our every step will take that will finally shape us to who we are today.

been busy with ocip, but that will be a totally different story for another day. another entry.

live that life you so truly want, because who else can make that decision? who else can make you want to relive that moment, make you regret, make you think of the past and the achievements, the times? its all within you. only you.

thankyou for that wonderful entry. you said it took you an hour, but it will be with me for eternal. :)

2007-10-29T23:52:00.001+08:00

as always, a momentary solitude from blogging and i am not used to writing again. there's this massive output in my head awaiting to be discharged systematically, sorted into their different realm. yet, it always overflow. and i am stuck, and i am stuck real bad. a multitude of stories and experiences to be divulged and the first sentence will always be the most difficult.

two things, i figured somehow, affected my life tremendously. because i felt the magnitude of not having them by my side. the first one is music, the second one, of course, is writing.

during the promos period, grandma's funeral and then there's openhouse and right until now, chinese A's and tomorrow's OP preparations, i never had the time i used to have.

my ipod rested solemnly in a corner collecting dust or in my bag if i even attempted to spend some time listening. but as always, it never occured to me but i gave up on listening some time back. phone calls, meeting proposals, revising for the papers made me forget the wonders of music.

i hardly even use the messenger then, not including even writing once more in my blog. those things i always had extra time to dwell about, to reflect upon and to crap along, never got through my head. proposals for the performances in openhouse was "more important".

things started to go haywire, i dont feel as calm. i dont feel as much as i am in control. coffee was a mere substitute to keep the body moving. but my mind then was already subdued into a mere person without much of a time for feelings.

and then i realise, deep down inside, there was something missing. gone were those days where we were all so much happier. gone were those days where one day seems a long time. and after some soul-searching, i realise the absence of music, the absence of writing. of course, music is so much easier to comprehend, to start recovering from. a mind in a mess will only produce a writing of gibberish. i wondered how i could have written well for promos.

that's why, when life gets the better of your control, subconsciously we all neglect things that were once important yet part of your life. the comfort zone is gone, but we hardly even look back. we strive, and we become less than human. a shadow of the previous fuller self.

find that music in your life. find that passion that once burned so warmly.

2007-10-13T22:30:00.001+08:00

the sky was beautiful today, a smooth sapphire blue throughout, the whites of clouds professionally blended onto the blue, with a intrusion of orange during sunset.

or has the sky always been this wonderful ?

just that we never looked up, but busied ourselves with everything but nature.

it was only when i had all the time to myself today and stayed in my room the entire day, did i realise all the things we usually miss. equipped with just a book, i had the time to survey my room, to survey everything that used to be nothing. still, books and lecture notes sprawled all over the table but this time i see the dust that never got noticed. i saw my posters all backdated and old. i saw photographs and the trophies and the ranks i used to be so proud of.

when time passes so fast, do we all want to forget and take in the present, or are we not able to keep up constantly, and can only miss them when we think about them again? or do we just need more time to reflect? or should cherish them before its all too late?

2007-10-13T21:44:00.000+08:00

during grandma's funeral, we all had the time off to look back into our own individual lives and our lives connected by grandma. and this special connection is what we collectively regard as family. that word seemed unimpactful when read but we all have our own definitions of family, our own life connected by loved ones and that's all that made life ever so wonderful.

while relatives talked about old times, about what grandma used to dol, i had the time to look back at my primary school. that own field i used to play soccer everyday after school, that assembly ground, that table-tennis area, the canteen and that aroma of new paint. i wondered whether the smell is there anymore? or had it all been worn away, embedded only in the minds of the past? its all part of childhood, but it was how i had grown to who i am now. unlike SJI, i dont feel a sense of belonging anymore. all i ever felt was that i used to be there.

looking at the children entering the school premises in the morning, rubbing the sleep from their eyes, yet a look of cheekiness, hopefulness and definite hidden smiles, running towards the gate the moment they are near, and looking again at the same children tired, the hidden smiles finally ensued as though they cant be kept in any longer.

and where are all my friends now? those people that i had given so much, that at that point of time, they were the ones i spent my times with.

slowly but surely, we are all forgotten. it seemed so close, yet the memories are all fading. but i knew i had fun. and i was really happy then, without a single thought about the world ahead. just the present, just the invaluable exchange of invaluable friendship and trust.

we will never get back to those days, and very soon after, we will never even give a second thought about our distant pasts without any catalysts, without any prompts. i hardly even see my school. come to think of it, i hardly see SJI anyway.

while i still remember. i wonder how you guys are doing? :)

i guess i will only know the names, and together with the names all your childhood faces.

About Death

2007-10-04T15:47:00.000+08:00

truthfully, what hurts the most, it really was being so close. it was so fast, it was all too sudden. and only when life takes a drastic turn do you realise what truly is important. when the diagnostic states a few more months, we indulge in the perception that time is limited, but time was still what we had. until things go unaccording to plan. inaccordance to time.

and what's left, there's only regret. for me, grief was a mere by-product. i regretted not having spend enough time, not knowing more about you. not being there. and when you were still talking, even if you were in the hospital, i busied myself with my own commitments, the magnitude of what's happening never enters thoroughly. right until the news came that you were unconscious, we rushed. by then, time wasnt a factor anymore. it was too late. all i saw, was how hard you struggled and that pains me so much, i couldnt describe that feeling.

and now. i will never ever have the chance. to ever see you. to even address you or hear your voice.

when everything was put to stop, when i had to try pulling myself together, and keep studying for that promotional examinations, i realise how difficult it was to keep staying strong. to keep emotions away for the time being to focus on what's "important". and then i would finally realise that exams compared to your family is next to nothingness, that's when i had to discontinue taking my H1 geography. and even doing all my papers, everything was at the back of my head, and i couldnt concentrate. how could anyone human ever do that. how could a grandson knowing that time for his grandmother is limited still "mug" like a mugger, for all that's worth my name.

the whole 5 days of the wake, from the very beginning of seeing her once more, still and never will be alive again, never will i hear you laughing at my mom whenever they chat, and to sending her off to ashes, it was difficult. the fact that time still moves on, while a family of 15 tries to keep things in control. and the effort i put in, was merely a fraction of everyone's perseverance to not breakdown. it was these kind of scenario that you see the fragility, the essence of the vulnerability of life. there's a thin line, that will always snap, only to be reinforce, a stronger thicker one. seeing them tear, it was when reality strikes. we keep moving, occasionally picking the one beside us along the way, but are we ever prepared for such a thing. ignore old age, and bring in the fact that she is the mother for my father. and she is my grandmother. and all the more if they are older, that you have spent much more time with them.

all wasnt gone, because this departure brought the family closer together, because me and melvin finally got to talking again. and i realise that you maybe the one still pulling the strings, still enabling us, as the eldest of the family, to strengthen our bonds. we prayed together, some cried together. and we smile knowing that things will never be the end. knowing that her legacy will forever be passed on. and we looked like family again.

that very last moment, there was only solitude, and understanding that death escapes noone. and i am sure, you passed away knowing that you have built your family well and proper. till even i, will forever respect and love you. there were quiet tears and a peaceful ending.

this experience may have been known to many, but it was my first. and till now, i cant believe i was so calm throughout. being the youngest in the family, it really tested my maturity, just this whole issue enlightened me so much.

like how my sister quoted that "you'll be in our hearts, always" indirectly in her msn nick, i would want to thank you for being who you are. for i know you were there for my father, for who he is today.

i will miss your presence. we all will, but you will be here,deep within, embedded deep inside my heart.

i remembered writing in one entry about grandma. i only have one more grandmother. and this time, i will never regret.

rest in peace, mama.

2007-09-04T20:08:00.000+08:00

today, as i went back home, a boy hardly reaching the height of my waist was flinging her mom's gentle grasp away. then, he walked with pride towards the escalator down. he could not reach the handgrip and his mom's hand fell gently back onto his wrist.

he flung her arm away again but looked unsure. inconfident and fearful. throughout the escalator ride, he exchanged short glances towards his mom, for affirmation? or was it the calm his mom provides? he kept his hands away no matter what. away from dependence.

we reached the bottom, he smiled a earful smile towards his mom, shone with pride and courage, knowing that he had grown up. knowing he is now independent.

his mom smiled back. she looked tired but relieved.

he never held his mom's hand back.

Many thousand years ago, i remembered you holding me, protecting me. and i relied on you. wholeheartedly. when did i ever stop? when was i like this boy? unknowingly, but seriously considering independence, away from your care. i forgot. but as time passes, and i grow up, our love was never forged through these actions. and never will it be again.

i remembered the constant rewards you gave me. i remembered the efforts you put in to ensure i had a wonderful birthday party. i remembered my latest 16th birthday, when you gave me a surprise. i remembered how you ironed my clothes, my ncc uniform dead in the night, with extra starch. i remembered how i told you off because the starch wasnt strong enough. when i was at the top, i told my cadets to love their moms for what they had done. but never to you. all i did was never needing you to starch anymore. i hardly say thanks. i took you for granted. you came to all my affirmations, when i got my best cadet award, when i became the csm, when i stepped down, when i got into council, when i started out in sji, sometimes even alone. i worried then, that you would be lonely, but when the main stage was on me, i forgotten about you.

and many a times, a mother's efforts, a mother's undying love seemed little and insignificant. they never complained. throughout my 17 years, you were there. you were the pillar that i took as my own. you were the strength, the last resort whenever i needed help. and when i was down, i knew you know, but i was not one who would share my secrets easily. i let it out on you instead.

and now i am 17years. and i realised the magnitude of what you have done. what i have achieved so far, who i am now as kaichuen, its because of you. the only kaichuen mom there is in this world. and i want you to know that deep down inside, i always regarded you as a strong woman who never fails to achieve. that you have done so much for me, that your impact on me is beyond what we all can comprehend. that deep down inside, i love you.

i looked back on our latest squabble. i raised my voice at you. i scolded you for working so hard at a part-time job. you came home late, you sleep late. you looked tired but you never complained. what's worse, you exhausted your weekends. i knew the importance of money. but i hope you do realise that at that time, i wanted us to be back, closer together already. because no amount of money can replace family. because i rather be poor, than be without you. but then again, who wouldnt want to relax? she did it because of the family.

from here on out, there will be no more holding hands. there will be no more kiddy runabouts, no more small little gifts. and do i miss them. but this time, let us be the pillar for one another. let's sit down over coffee and talk. let me tell you my side of the story i never did bother sharing. i know you want to know how your son is doing.

mom, i am great. because of you. how about you? sorry for the trials that come, and thank you. just thank you for being my one and only mother in this life of mine. one can do so much, and i may not be the best son that a mother can have. but i assure you that we will laugh at the end of the day. that destiny has brought us together, and i will cherish you.

happy birthday, mom.

2007-08-25T17:55:00.001+08:00

its been 14 days.
that makes two weeks. a fortnight. a fortnight of council once more, the usual slumbers during lectures and tutorials, and a little bit of change in my life: a change that resulted in getting back a piece of my pasts, a piece of me which could have been lost forever if i didnt choose to do something. because i never wanted to forget anything, as much as i could remember.

blood donation publicity was over. lots of people donated, but i am sure its because of their personal selflessness rather than the success of the publicity. i dont know how much it helped though, but in any case, we did what we could. cheers, CI wing.

this time, its teachers day concert. and hell, the decorations will be daring, will be ambitious, i wondered whether we could pull it off. CI wing once more, i am sure we all will do what we do best.

i never had been able to catch up with my work, ionic equilibria was the chapter of sleep, market structure was never perfect as much as i really needed it to be. and you got the mundane river channels and erosions, a recap from martina chan's full geography then, with alittle addition that i never was comfortable with. then there was maths, integration on a whole new level.

whether i ever could integrate all of this together in time for promos, whether my facts would flow as smoothly as a helicoidal flow, or otherwise backsplashes and turbulence in the upper course of the river, whether i can finally differentiate the market structures in terms of the speed and relevance like how i used to for the previous chapters plus alot of examples not in the lecture notes and not in terms of dy/dx or whatever implicit differentiation will bring me. then there was ionic equlibrium which i would be surprised and think highly of myself if ever i could understand it.

whether or not, its really up to me. because i chose the path i wanted to, i still gonna make sure that commitments will stay as commitments. promises as promises. i will try my best. and not always make use of the excuses that council is crazily demanding. does that mean that the path you choose results in the negligence of a new path that needs to be chosen? but if we dont change the direction we are heading, wont we end up where we are going? because in life, its always about choosing for the better, and when you dont, you will only fall flat. so we change the direction, when we know it can bring us there faster or in a better shape once the destination is reached.

in 14days, you can do you so much.
14days can drift you away.
14days can change you.
how about the days after that.
how about then. the number of days left to promos.

2007-08-11T00:24:00.001+08:00

prisonbreak.

how it tells me that life is about the people around you. how easily its affected by one another, how your path can be changed just because of someone else along the way.

throughout the whole season, admist the actions, the anticipation and the wow factor, it got me thinking. put yourself in the shoes of lincoln burrows, a prisoner who's to face capital punishment, on the electric chair. even if he's really at fault, to know your mistakes and to wait everyday until your death row, its seriously unimaginable. it is quite inhumane to let someone die, is it even more inhumane to let a person wait knowingly for his death. and to sit down on the chair and not resist the punishment. the person waiting, is he even a person after knowing his deathday. what if he's innocent, and no one ever knows except himself. its a trillion times worse. a stab in the back over and over again.

then there was michael scofield, the love of two brothers was portrayed damn well. guys never did know how to show love directly, and it was shown rather really. though, its fictatious and ambiguous, to go into jail and be so intelligent enough to come up with a plan so abstract. and to risk his whole life for someone else. his facial expression is always solemn and deep in thought, the stress of knowing a loved one is going too. and it boils down to the fragility of human life again. its not only lincoln who knows his death, but the impact he had on the loved ones. kudos to their actings, they were very good.

then there was this episode where the pasts of all the main characters were shown. most of them went into prison because they loved someone. because of someone so special. if there was no one else meaningful in the world, i am sure no one will be in prison. there just wasnt a need to.

and they all decided strongly for escape because once again, of their loved ones. maybe in reality, this belongs to the minority, but its still true that sometimes love means everything in the world. when you really live the fullest because of someone else.

i thought to myself, what if the prisoners who are sentenced to capital punishment was killed without knowing it. wouldnt it be better off for the prisoners, saving them the waiting period which is much worse than death? will the purpose be gone? the purpose of wanting the prisoners to know they are to die? or is the purpose just to rid the world off these prisoners for the safety of the country?

it was a good show, because it addressed many aspects of life, especially love. there's courage, selflessness, strategy, full of actions and twist. but they all still boils down to that one word.

thank you jon for lending me after i asked so many times. :) its worth it.

2007-08-05T02:04:00.000+08:00

50years down the road,
what do we remember of our days when we were all young,
when we all discover what life had installed for us.
the little things that we find joy in, the conversations we used to have

do we remember the choices we made that impacted the path life will take?
do we remember the friendships forged and lost along the way?
if they all matter, will we remember them all?
i do hope so.

it seems life's going so fast now, that certain things have to be left untouched. and untouched it would be forever. lots of friendship were made, lots more broken. one moment the focus was on something i thought held meaning. next moment all were gone. i want to remember everything, i want everything to count. but sometimes, inevitably, things get lost along the way. and by things, i mean friendships too; relationship, someone precious, someone whom i could have known better, or just someone whom i missed out on, never ever had a chance.

and obviously, the things we do now, the many things we are often busy about, the commitments that we have, that is exactly where we will make our friends, and that is exactly where the limit lies. and tht would mean i wouldnt have the chance with anyone else after that. and to know that just makes me feel alittle down.

time does really matter afterall, or should i say, the lack of time.

even right now, sji seemed eons ago. when sji came into mind, i can only think of a few photographic memories etched deeply in my mind. still the same, i know sji had been there for me.

i do not want to forget. but will photographs ever replace that feelings we now have? i doubt so.
but right now where i am, let me cherish those times i have, the journeys with you guys give me faith.

50years down the road, i want to be able to tell my grandson how life has shone on me like how it will shine on you. how friends will come and go, but the memories will always last.

even right now, its happening.
what says 50years later. i guess i will just have more to immerse myself into. much more.
thanks people.

2007-07-29T04:31:00.000+08:00

its pretty late. and today's pleasant, even that horror movie. smiles.

alicia reminded me about updating. so here i am.

its been a waterfall, my life. it started off as rapids. uneven riverbed. choppy. differential rate of erosion, sometimes life go slow, sometimes it move up and it goes on and off.
and then come the plunge. no, it's not an expression of sadness, like how things go down. rather, how things go fast. without control, except the seemingly unnoticed factor of gravitional pull after the erosion of less resistant rock. the erosion of those times.

yes. life's gone so fast, there werent much control, except the natural gravitional pull, the pull towards a lower land where it's safe again. when the water's calmer. where i want to be.
but all's well. since council begun, i had to work. i had to pick up i had to move. i cant look back. there wasnt much faith in looking back. because what lies ahead is the pathway forward, the choice made for that gleam of light.

we held meetings almost everyday. the events that will be held in cjc. throughout our term of office. carefully planned and chosen. the need for proposals, for discussions;time for meeting with the teachers. for knowing the fellow councillors, especially in CI. for just being there, because they make my day all the time. bottomline, we are ambitious, but i am sure it will all work out.

[blooddonation; openhouse; cip bank; environmental awareness; rockafella; orientation; aesthetics night; teachers' day and counting. and counting.]

after invest, we had our duties for the official PAC/LRC opening. it was sji once more. i was put into the very entrance of the PAC to meet and direct. it just reminds me that it doesnt matter who you are, but what you do. that every single one of us have a role to play, just so it all will be a success. and we. we are but only the frontline. to finally complete the puzzle.

saw bernard low.teacher back in sji. my CO when i became CSM. and found out he was a councillor in CJ. the 13th batch if i am not wrong, together with his wife. and it struck me how easy i could strike a conversation to a CO which i never did know how to speak properly then. he asked me whether i would find my love in council, just like he did. i just smiled.

and studies go backstage. fatigue is always apparent. i slept almost all lectures/tutorials. but somehow, the aftermath's not felt yet. do i see it extinguishing itself, or do i still have the strength to mend it. i wish for the latter. and i wish hard. to see to it that events are done in cj. i would want my life in cj to be as wonderful. as complete. and so must my grades. because its all that really count in this college.

we all have our waterfalls. because everyone wants their open seas. when the crazy river comes to a peaceful end. when we can finally see the horizon together with a smile, and a pat from a loved one.

and we all remember. that there's always a cave behind every waterfall. a reminder that life's not all that over. that we can choose to stop and breathe. even if the plunge falls hard.

2007-07-17T20:04:00.000+08:00

33rd student council.
invested. installed.

what i thought, wasnt meant to be at all. and who i am now, wasnt what i expected. but its all smiles in the end, and it truly matter.

it all began lightyears ago. i chose. the reason being to affirm my leadership. it was pretty personal. sji brought me up, introduce leadership. and that's why i decided to try. its always the discovery that entices. and brought us to greater heights, greater understanding of ourselves. then, yiuleung was there. so we chose. we tried.

and then everything began to fall. rockbottom. but the elections with michael, the m&ms, got through pretty good. those pink posters, banners, those chocolates to please. thought i would like to apologise. i wasnt at my best. angsty. frustration. but we did it, and there we were, forging a close relationship in a totally new environment. there's the leadership training camp, posted sometime back in my blog. and all the way up till now, invested and starting the life of a student councillor. hod of community involvement.

half a year past.
and thousands of emotions together with it. the time seemed short, but i learnt so much. to know that friends are there. to know that there are so many of you out there who care. its all wonderful to bring me back up again. and to think back on all those obstacles that i have been through, it was one hell of a ride. i grew to like cjc, when i didnt in the beginning. the school gives so much opportunities, the school gives so much to reflect. its a matter of choice where you heads to. and when i finally reached out and open up, i saw people i could relate to. councillors and friends, peers, classmates that were together in my path to discover. and to know that life sometimes mean enjoying the rewards that you worked for, it just makes my heart jumped with joy.

initially, i thought there would be politics. that someone out there will want his glory, his respect. but i come to realise, that a team is needed to get by life. and when all of us feel the same way. its just undescribeable. when i know that we all want to embrace one another, to make life better for each other, and suffer together through deadlines and complains and laughs at the end, its all sji to me again. though we havent begun, i feel it all happening. :) i feel so natural with you all. and when cjc came into mind, i think of you guys. student council is not about those awesome highly respected leaders that other students will always dislike. because we all learn too and we help each other get by through life. its all tough now, many people still have their problems, and problems will be endless. but the will to eradicate them all stays prominent.

we will get by. and then we will all, cherish and remember the memories.

its one hell of a ride. but it seems the ride just begun.
but i can finally smile. genuinely once again.
i feel like kaichuen once more. when i thought i lose it all.

p.s. pinch me. :) inside joke!

2007-07-08T16:10:00.000+08:00

070707
one of those days i would remember i guess. but definitely not as much as 080806.
still, its the first time i sat down to take in the display of the contingents. i know how exactly they feel up there in full uniform, in sight of everyone. how tight and how stiff, how you know everything you do your loved ones can see. its so different just sitting down.

it was sji's 155th. the annual parade right after mine. everyone looked the same, just grew alittle older, alittle wiser. am i then able to say that i grew likewise? haha.

it was the day the ncc(land) flag fell to the ground. the flag should never ever touched the ground, the flag should always be soaring high up. but "the impossible we do straight away, miracles take a little longer" (motto of sji ncc's). and sure enough the impossible we did it. but that's not the end, because the flagbearer continued to stand up and endure even after a wash of blackout, even when he couldnt support himself anymore. he fell. he got up and wobbled. he fell again but he endlessly tried to get back up. he stood up two more times before the toll got the better of it. and that. that's the miracle, that perseverance for the company despite the near-fatal consequence. the ability to summon so much more because you know the flag cant be down.

indeed, miracles take little longer. thank you ivan. you have done enough. you have proven to us that, sji and her uniformed groups, and her ncc is so important that you would not give up no matter what. i am sure many feel likewise about their belonging in sji.

the flag can fall sometimes, but the passion should never be extinct. because i know. we all tried. and we all tried hard and will, try harder.

2007-07-04T19:24:00.000+08:00

forgiveness. compassion.
especially towards a person who meant so much. it hurts.

to forgive is to cease the feeling of resentment,anger, sadness. helplessness. of course, who wouldnt be the first to forgive someone of utmost importance in your life. and then, how could one even feel all those about someone they loved before even choosing the path of forgiveness. arent everything supposed to be happy. arent everything supposed to be kept in promise, in sync with each other.

the truth is. it never does. love conquers all. but can it ever conquer your life. when promises fstart to be broken, when things arent as good as it is, when things are withdraw from the relationship, how can one then said the relationship is still at its best? of course, we talk about depositing into the emotional bank account. but what happens when withdrawal exceeds deposit? what happened prior to depositing? doesnt life now seemed more important to the million and one promises that both parties made?

and then majority will start departing. its no more comfort zone. its a war zone. the words that break, the things that done wrongly, the feelings that gone awry. when a relationship fails, it meant there's no more meaning to it. things had gone too far.

but there's where forgiveness comes in. we only have that very life. and mistakes will accumulate as time passes. and that's when we should recognise human errors. the imperfection entails in everyone. to look beyond the doubts. the facade. to look beyond the mistakes. and look at the love that still holds both together. then maybe we will smile alittle happier. to know that beyond those errors, you know that things will finally work out.

because love is not only about whether its magical, special. but its of magical and special and acceptance and forgiving.

2007-07-03T00:38:00.000+08:00

"When You're Gone"

I always needed time on my own

I never thought I'd need you there when I cry

And the days feel like years when I'm alone

And the bed where you lie is made up on your side

When you walk away I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

When you're gone

The pieces of my heart are missing you

When you're gone

The face I came to know is missing too

When you're gone

The words I need to hear to always get me through the day and make it ok

I miss you

I've never felt this way before

Everything that I do reminds me of you

And the clothes you left, they lie on the floor

And they smell just like you, I love the things that you do

When you walk away I count the steps that you take

Do you see how much I need you right now

[Chorus]

We were made for each other

Out here forever

I know we were, yeah

All I ever wanted was for you to know

Everything I'd do, I'd give my heart and soul

I can hardly breathe I need to feel you here with me, yeah

[Chorus]

2007-07-01T14:51:00.000+08:00

what would you do, if you know you have one more day to live?

just that one more.

the ability to now choose to do what really's the most important, most significant, most meaningful because you finally know there's an expiry date etched onto you.

i asked myself that question and i found out it was immensely difficult to decide on something, something that we can finally do to be contented enough to die.

most deaths come unprepared. of course, how would we even know we are dead when we are dead? but when somehow you are diagnosed, when a statement has be passed on to tell you that your body is giving way, you are slowly perishing from this world. then. will your very life change. for the better. for the worse? or does it even qualifies as a life when death looms so near.

there's so much things to do, to explore. and we all know that life's not eternal. given that choice, will love be amplified? things that didnt matter as much, words that didnt seem important at all, will they all now not be taken for granted? before you go, will you cherish your loved ones, the ones that made up every chapter of that life? will it even matter. i am sure when everything's coming to an end, when everything you have lived for slowly disappears, the importance of the people around us, the loss, the grief, the parting of ways, it will all be experienced. will you cherish your loved ones, i am sure its a definite yes for everyone.

and when its all over for you, you will still live on in someone's heart. but we know, by then, its all too late.

i asked someone randomly. that person told me it would be a good thing. because ppl will not be complacent. they would not take life for granted. and the world will be a much better place.

what would i do, if i got one more day? i will make sure i try to make them know that they matter to me, even till my deathbed, that they will still continue living on. and cherishing. and hopefully, i will still be there living on, not physically. but at least spiritually.

all of them.

2007-06-29T21:32:00.000+08:00

alright. this entry. is gonna come from all corners. all directions. trust me.

bernie said my blog is too much to think. she wants entries that can make her relax. not to wonder so much about life. i guess its a negative comment. :) so just this entry, its for you and all you out there who wants to "relax". *sarcasm*

the day ended with the most dreaded chinese. i chose the essay that most resembled my life. my sister decided against university and my dad wasnt happy. then it was all about respect, understanding, giving way, happiness. smiles. from everyone's point of view and how i should lead my life for that once in a lifetime genuine smile. adding in a fictatious sick mom in bed and really poor family background to make the teachers cry. in pain. right. all in simplified chinese. very.

i went out with guanwen to eat in town and to go back to sji. *read previous entries to find out why* nostalgic. juniors looked that much older. teachers the usual. i got slapped on my stomach by mr jude tan for not being a clt. i have my reasons sir, and i know you will understand. :)

had a chat with martin prior to maths exams. he felt the csm me is back. or he reaffirmed that i am always like that, deep within me. not about the passion for ncc, but my personality.

went out with t9 for dinner at fish&co. 3birthdays to celebrate. val, laura, colin. about half the class went. but when i was looking at the parade, i knew i was exhausted. real tired, guessed i actually tried for the midyears. so during the dinner, i just couldnt say much, the energy is gone. watching you guys mingled, its good enough. sorry. haha. oh, the little birthday gag that laura and val had to do was really creative. standing on the chairs, having sparkles, asking everyone to sing in the glasshouse and blowing the candle from the standing position. creativity guys.

and here i am blogging. before i am seriously fallen asleep. i feel that drain, guess the caffeine kept me moving my muscles, not my mind.

bernie. i hope its all good! its just an update of my life.

pretty different from my usual entries. nice experience! haha..

i skimmed through this book on the shelf : 101 things to do before you die. like the norms of bungee jumping, seeing a real volcano eruption, to stuff like getting arrested and catching a fish with your bare hands. there's this checklist for you to tick through and specify somemore. cool stuff.

have you even tried singing out loud in the streets when you are all alone in the late night and when its pouring? its a really crazy experience, especially to laugh at yourself in the end.

2007-06-28T17:02:00.000+08:00

words can make a person.
words can break a person.
words can make a person break another person.

and so it seems.

but when the words truly come, directly, indirectly, intentionally or unintentionally, do we believe in it, or do we still stand by the friends who is targeted.

i believe being a rational person, feelings often take control. and its nothing wrong. you feel the frustration and the angst of the person giving the words. and since that person is another friend of yours, one becomes dumbfounded about the discovery, about the news. about the "actual" wolf in the sheep hide that you didnt know but somehow you heard from others.

however, doesnt anyone ever thought back about the relationship, the friendship that was forged singlehandedly by just that two people alone? is it really that easy for a third party, an outsider to the exclusive friendship make a judgement and causes the downfall of the relationship?

i have seen many losing the trust or taking a second look at their friends, especially those they just made, because of the words that so break them. a second look simply change everything that seemed perfect. more often than not, they move on, because somehow, its alright to lose them. start to forget and forever a negative mindset bestowed onto that person who could be a nice friend, who could actually be innocent. who might not even understand what he had just done to invoke these unfeelings, these hostility from a friend whom he thought would work well.

have we reach a point where connections with people become so vast that changing opinions can be so easy. so deadly.

shouldnt they even clarify with the friends who was "blacklisted" by others by words that actually heard. wont they feel that their friends they turned down be hurt at all?

but life's seemed to continue like this. fragile and instantaneous change of fate. where the person who can convince, wins. but then, is he really a friend?

trust. give them a chance. relationship shouldnt be motivated by others.

but by your beating heart.

2007-06-24T19:57:00.000+08:00

i looked at the heading of my blog.

and i couldnt help but laugh.

how loyal i was last time. how hyped i was back then, belonging to the institution called St. Joseph Institution. that was sec2 if i remembered correctly.

and if i remembered correctly, i am still pretty hyped up about SJI.

of course, flashbacks of SJI are all still etched deeply in my mind. those happy moments, those sad moments. its beyond words how much i had grown there. and i believe everyone felt that exact same feeling about their old alma mater. there's just so much stories and experiences. and they are gonna last a lifetime.

i looked at the centennial video of sji ncc.

i glimpsed some pictures of me inside. when i was a cadet, when i was in the guard-of-honour contingent, when i was csm. and mr lui doing a speech just makes me smile.

why do people bother to create a video as a tribute to the 100years of establishment.
because i believe i would do it too. every cadet involved had 4years to it. only. and somehow its just special. that its sji ncc land. and air. of course, to others who never experience it, it wont mean anything to them. fair enough. but i am sure, to each his own, there's something that you so wish to contine belonging in. that you had belonged and you feel that pride. that honour of being just a part of it. something that gave you a part of the definition of your life.

and then i heard things are not too good for sji ncc land now. its flame is slowly burning away. that passion and that love is absent from the current cadets. something is missing. there's something lost.

and then i decided. my passion is not gone yet. and for this particular organisation, this particular school to have enable me. i seriously want it to continue enabling others too. i may not mean much, but to see an old boy come back to be part of their experiences. i am sure it will give them a slight boost of adrenaline. a slight revival of what's lost. air got their clts, even godwin is one. land has none. and i am not a clt. but i am a josephian, and a cadet. an ex-csm.

it wouldnt only be me. because i know many are still passionate. and if i would just inspire them all to come back. i am sure, you lovely cadets, will feel how i felt then. when there's so many old boys and when the "sji ncc land" was spoken, you felt that gush. a gush of affirmation. a gush of sweetness.

so here i pledge my allegiance again. an allegiance i pledge to four years ago. let the flag fly up high once more. and let the josephians feel how i felt years ago. this time with me trying hard. no more as a csm. but a mere old boy. its not about me now, its about you all. :)

i looked at the entries i typed during my days in SJI. the letter i wrote to the future csms. i smiled. its all so cute. and i am getting old.

2007-06-23T19:56:00.000+08:00

yakhuan got me thinking of the past. she said she missed those times.

hell, i missed it too.
but life is such a way where things will move forward. only forward. into the vast unknown. future.

the times of yl, alicia, yakhuan, roy, kaixiang, yixuan and me. those were the days. and it seems everyone is drifting apart. even myself.

we are all in different colleges. we all made new friends.

memories. as the words suggest, is but something of the past. if life keeps moving on and leaving the past behind, then we gonna make it happen too. we gonna make this whole thing last.

i cant imagine another day where we can all be back together. its heart-wrenching to even think about it. but i would do anything to get back that wonderful story.

so if someone would ever listen to me, especially those that really matter now, cherish whatever you have and have had. and if those days were really good, but circumstances make it all crap, then we can do something. we can put the effort to make it all happen again. and that can only be possible if we feel the same for one another.

friendship. get it back before it's all too late. when its time to let go. naturally.

to you all, manage those obstacles first and manage them well. get it all over with. then we can solve this. together. once more.

i am onto it. how about you?

2007-06-23T02:13:00.000+08:00

its two in the morning. and i find myself here.

staring into the perimeters of the screen. staring into those lonely stars, coupled with the lonely skies of endless black.

its two in the morning, and its three days to midyears. for all that it's worthed, its the examination for the time i began in cj. that six months of turbulence, coupled with the pathetic change of fate.

and yet i am still hanging on. i am still trying. thank god i am. after that leadership training camp and the exco election, and after a short episode of high fever, i made myself excruciatingly busy. busy with the works of a mugger. a late night one. because i cant just keep falling back to square one. because i have to be strong enough to even try letting go. let go but not give up.

the grade really doesnt matter to me now. because all i know is that with whatever i have left in me, i did my mugging. for all that it's worthed, i tried. i hope its all that matters. people around me are all feeling the stress. nearing it myself, i felt it too. yet another part of me asked of me that i really had done my best. more than all those previous attempt in exams, those half-hearted, last-minute bluffing of your way through. and with all those messed-up worries, we are still going to do it. we have to. lets just be calm and bite the damn bullet. how much shit can i get for six months. loads.

its all about confidence. its all about preparedness. many will say. i agree too. but its also about how much you want it. and how much it matters to you. because one of these exams, midyear or promos, i have to do well. to really know that at least i am still strong enough. that i am still alive. how about at least i kept my promise to you. to us. so here goes!

i will try, and only try hard. and when its all over, i know i tried, and along the way others can try too. and we all try together. and we all smile together in the end. there's nothing more to it.

its two in the morning. three more hours to go. three more days. now i choose. because everyone can choose to stand or fall. its just a matter of how tough that standing is.

its fucking tough.

2007-06-21T14:09:00.001+08:00

dad's birthday falls on father's day. that's double whammy and a call for an immense celebration. pretty convenient too! but then again, without me and sis, father's day just gonna be insignificant in your life.

so this is for you.

it just seems that whenever there's a greater challenge that sets in. greater responsibility or any achievement that i get, i will have to tell you about it. it all begins after sji graduation. the letter that i wrote to you, got us talking. got us bonding together. i remembered initially i couldnt talk to you properly. and when it all started, our late night ventures and conversations really always got me thinking and make me feel that i am here for greater things to come. you are my catalyst, you are that strength that entice me to never give up. and just a thank you will not suffice.

you seemed softspoken, behind-the-scene. but when we converse, you are like a philosopher. those experiences about life. those mistakes that you are never afraid to admit. and as your son, i go in awe, to understand that there's a man that is but a reflection of my future. a father who had gone before me, who knows much more about everything than i could ever muster. you told me you arent really a leader, but its too late, you are a leader by examples. thatt humility. its so true to the heart. and just your words, can make me grow so much more.

i know you are a wise person. who didnt get the opportunity to shine. you were all poor then. and now i take this burden in my hands, that as your son, i will shine in place of you. because i am the one who's gonna continue your legacy, because now i have that opportunity to shine. you told me i shouldnt be tied down and influenced by you, that my life is largely my own and i should carve out my life, and not to live my life for you. of course. but life's about others around and you, dad, play a large part still in my life.

we will continue to talk. about your favourite topics. about china's history. about economics. about growing up and discovering about yourself. about life. about being happy. and yes, i will never forget anything that you have impart unto me. the ceaseless determination that you want me to have. about smiling in the end, with alittle more of everything.

just like you, but much happier. thank you so much for affirming me, for identifying my talents of inspiring others, that i am a people person. i know its biased, but it gives me confidence! its not so much about what you say, but why you even want to say it. :)

happy birthday. it meant alot than just a normal wish. naturally, i will mimic your footsteps, the path that you have chosen for yourself. of course, my path will differ, but why i chose it. i bet it will be similar.

so this is it. its a wonderful thing, to know that there's always a person who will have that much more experience about the trials of life. and for that person to endlessly and selflessly impart everything to you because of the unconditional love.

cherish them.

2007-06-11T17:33:00.000+08:00

matchsticks.

this is the name i remembered voicing out because it was cute and i didnt like 'ignite' and 'flame' or something. matchsticks got a nice ring to it and how its capability of bringing on fire admist its fragile frame, how it needs friction and not by itself to create the spark, and how its temporary grant of fire makes the flame that much more precious, and just how the fire needs to be passed on stick by stick for eternity.

and that became our ltc grouping. and i was really happy bout it. there was not so much of pride, it was more of an affirmation. that sometimes the little things you said affects a whole group. and how it is to stay all throughout the camp.

and then came the exco nomination. and i was voted to be head of department. initially, i placed myself in the top 11 and i cant seem to picture myself there. there was a part of me without anymore drive. that, only my close friends understood why. yes i had tried to rise up. to be strong. but i didnt know i was that strong. :) thank you my friends, thank you fellow councillors. then there was a part of me who chose to go on a path of being totally natural. what you see is what kaichuen really is. at 17, after having undertaken several leadership roles in sec sch, i figured putting up a front, or striving to get what you want hardly make any sense because that's not the true you. so i didnt aim for anything. i just did what i felt like in anything that happened. and for you guys to still select me to be your hod, i am really thankful and proud of you guys.

from here on we move together, yes, now we strive as a team, as a wing, we make the best out of the 1 plus years that we have together. but then we make sure that in the end, we get there together, academically, spiritually, emotionally. and at the end of the line, we will be proud to say, we are part of the 33rd student council, not a council that puts on a mask and acts like everyone's leader and that we got an edge over others, but a council who truly understands that life is not about individualism but is much better of with people that have a common goal, a team spirit hardly experienced in reality. and then we can all say that this experience of life is one hell of a lifetime to keep, to cherish.

we will smile, some will laugh, some will be touched, but all of our hearts will burn with a common flame, like matchsticks. as we learn so much more about ourselves and our will to keep standing up for the people around us. then, the 33rd student council will truly be our council to remember.

2007-06-11T17:19:00.000+08:00

sickness.

is it a mere coincidence that the physical turmoil and breakdown that results in the usual cold/flu/fever/etc. also results because of the equally immense mental stresses within? to me, it seems particularly true. that sickness often results in both states of rest. that coincidentally, some sicknesses are strategically placed for us to reflect while healing the body, the soul and most importantly the heart.

almost everyone is fine nearly the whole year round. i hardly had a serious one till 2days ago. and because of this, we often take our welfare for granted, till it attacks. and we hope to cherish our lives once more. the amazing thing is, while we cherish, we thought bout stuff. all kinds of stuff, and since our bodies is placed in a third-person view, we cant react, we can only put our minds to full activeness.

that was what happened to me. i couldnt do anything. admist all those irritations and pains and groanings, i figured that high fever of mine cleared my head tremendously. too much had happened.

and just by taking stock for a couple of days, you reached a new height of self-enlightenment. and then you become alittle bit more in tuned with that fast pace of crap that is thrown at you.

and then when you are well again. you start to neglect.

is it really just a mere cycle of human nature that needed to be intervened by nature itself?

at least i felt much refreshed now. when will i meet this pitstop again? cos no one wishes for it.

2007-05-30T21:31:00.000+08:00

failure. success. love. friends. heart. mind. anxiety. morals. confusion. feelings. courage. fear. confidence. anticipation. human nature. life.

just a little less than an hour, we covered this much. more like i was crapping through everything. haha. you got me thinking about myself too. thank you.

you said what's the point now, when everything's so confused and in the end you will only disappoint yourself. you said you are tired of failing again and again. demoralising. you said you are being pulled apart by both the heart and the brain. and it easier said than done to think guiltily about whether it will be a success or a failure or its purely one-sided.

almost everyone felt like this before. unable to express, unable to move, temporarily paralysed because you reach a point when you can only wait. for the others. for the other. life's about the others anyway.all kind of feelings developed never because of solidarity. you will only be hollow inside without people around.

and so i said. its the same for everything. we can never put our hopes too high that we might ultimately fall. and fall hard. naturally, our instinct will force us not to gamble too much. but we all have feelings too, and its difficult to let your mind take over your heart, esp when its something you want, something you believe will last forever. open your mind to it, you dont have to say its easier say than done. because you dont even have to do anything about it. if you follow what your heart tells you, its that much sweeter.

and you said that i was the first person to tell you that. seems everyone tries to be "politically" correct. we all do. its always that much safer.

we go on about the heart and the brain. i believe that the heart still governs the brain. morals, decisions, especially more if about love, that its how we feel that truly decides our course of actions. its like we will go through all the confusion, anxiety, headaches, heartaches. and in the end, subconsciously, you will go with your heart that's affirmed by the brain and you tell yourself time will determine everything.

even when we chose to study, its the doings of the heart. and the heart is for the people around us whom we love.

then i said. i know the feeling of wanting and receiving it back. because i am feeling the feeling of wanting "back" and receiving it back "again".

you said you wondered why i even have problems when i know all the perfect solution to all problems. that made me smile. but i know no perfect solution at all. because i didnt even give any solution. no solution, just my feelings yet again.

but when you said its in me to portray these words. to enable someone else. to make someone else alittle happier. that made my day. i was thinking to myself, i had it worse. and i am still desperately searching for the way up. but i still can be here for someone else. its all painful guys, but we are in this. together.

2007-05-29T22:22:00.000+08:00

you ended up without a cca. but your reasons were solid. you gave up on your cca because you made a choice. and that choice just showed how mature you are.

you said. i cant spend everything on that cca. because you finally understood that friendship is priceless. when you said its for us, i didnt scold you because you maybe using us as an excuse, but because i know you truly care.

friendship, its just that strong.

similarly, i made a choice too. it wasnt to complement you, it was a conincidence. a path that only we understood. because somehow, we learnt that it doesnt pay when things are gone. compared to you, i ended up with two ccas. prior to that being a htc and adding on to the load the nyaa that comes along with the extra skills needed.

so i chose. are we really happy having a position just for two years in jc? do we really feel that sense of glory? do i feel it when i had a position last time? or was something in life that's going to be for eternal much more important? even if it wasnt forever, that love, that connecting heartbeats, arent they more important than a mere temporary position in school that serves to make you feel better, to make you feel confident and accepted by others? yes, its true that the experience is awesome. i can never forget the prestige of being a csm. but if because of that i lose my loved ones, my friends? does that position even matter anymore? "i love being a csm, because i feel good about myself." bullshit. guanwen said i was damn lucky already, to have everything then.

tht's why, this time around, i wont be fighting. i will be who i am. because i know that's what people who love me wants. they wldnt want me changed into a nemesis, hunger for a position. naturally, ppl will look at me as who i am. furthermore, being a councillor. its already good enough. i look at how they are fighting in council now. reminds me of how i used to be.

so what. so what if i am a nobody in school or council.
when i can be everything to someone else.
when people still knows me as the real kaichuen. not one driven by power. but by love.

2007-05-29T21:23:00.000+08:00

give me coffee. i immediately bounce up and prowl onto you with utter nonsensical nonsense. its like those caffeine gets into the blood, and it travels all over the body. and i translate it all through words, blabber, crap from my mouth.

but then again. it isnt exactly the coffee i feel. its that self-perception. maybe i really am trying my best to stand up once more. you see me trying to laugh sometimes, but when i am just happy inside, you said i am emo. yes iris?

i cant just keep falling back into square one. no matter how much it costs, no matter how it still stings and hurts instanteously upon encounters with the past. no matter how much i still cant give it up.

i wont give up. but i gotta be stronger than that. at least have control over your life again. at least enable ppl around me to smile. its terrible that feeling, and i dont wish anyone to feel it. at least i didnt put on a facade. that was something i was proud of. i cant act like i am strong all the time. kills my whole soul.

so this time. let me try once more. i promise you, kaichuen, i will do it.

2007-05-29T02:25:00.000+08:00

H1. general paper. geography.

they seemed to be ancient since the last time i took the time to summarise, memorise, synergise.
those were just H1s many said. but i see almost everyone giving their all, the first shots of jc exams.

they turned out alright for me. thank god.

i wrote like how i have gotten very used to. feelings without facts. voice and passion without concrete evidence. i always thought those facts you can go read yourself, its my take on the story, my feelings that should matter to you. i tried adding some, it became technical.

geography was a regurgitation of sec4's hell. this time, i chose to plan my answers at every side of the question. became clearer but it was suicidal. i didnt had time to complete though i knew all the answers. its still an error of time management. i gt nothing to complain.

the important thing is to keep improving. to believe in yourself..

studies. believing in yourself. i realised everyone had their different stories of why they want to study hard. why they worked so hard.

my friends told me i was way too hardworking. on the surface, i said i had to before things come crushing in. commitments, friends. they feared i would burn out. i feared i would burn out. the funny thing : i never like studying, i never like settling down to stuff myself with notes upon notes. but miraculously i did.

because it was a promise between two. a pact. because it's proof i can stand up again. because i really want to tell myself, that i am stronger than that. no matter how painful things had gone to be. let me set straight my life once more.

then maybe the stars will shine again.

that's why i chose to pick my books. what's yours.

2007-05-29T02:17:00.000+08:00

almost 3am. i love the nights. things move too fast in the day.

i looked out into the sky. beautiful. nothingness.

the stillness, gives me an instant gratification that life still has some calmness. the calmness that only exists if we choose to want to stay alittle later.

i rmbered telling someone. those stars, they are of the past.

it takes gazillion lightyears for them to travel to earth. the explosion that we see has already been long gone. but there it is, reflecting, glimmering through the present.

who says now that past cannot exist in the present.

looking at them, gives me the strength to uphold the things that are non-existent now. but etched, embedded deep within one's brain. one's heart.

2007-05-20T14:35:00.000+08:00

you said the rain looked like jail cells. how each consistent drop reminds you of the walls tht encompasses the soul. and in a greater context, you said it in school. haha. school might have really left us with alittle less freedom; entailing to rules, to commitments in studies, involvement in ccas.

and somehow you wanted to know how i felt about the raindrops too, but i didnt say anything. i couldnt. mind's a blank. i nearly agreed with you. :) my response was for you to go run out into the rain. and i rmbred you laughing at me. heh.

running out into the rain, because then you know you are capable of choosing the path that you wish. that even if the rain seemed overwhelming, our skin, our souls are must stronger than what's thrown at us. i rmbered how i used to render rain useless. how the rain would pour and i would be out there with my friends. friends, they make you feel anything is possible. but i figured now, i am less daring than before, much less.

raindrops, they fall and fall. to me, they are like obstacles you face, and then you failed, you fall. but you know that once you fall to the ground, you reached a puddle, a puddle where all obstacles, from everyone coalesce as one and you know that everyone is in this together. just so you know, the rain merely signifies how our hearts bind as one. as it connects, as the rain forms an imaginary line. we are never alone in this world.

2007-05-19T20:00:00.000+08:00

i found out one entry doesnt need to be from one day. finally, haha. i always thought blogging needs to be structural. like once per day, like impt events then blog. but aint reflections sometimes more complex than some days? someday i dont even bother to relinquish about the past. sometimes left alone, you can think till time ends. sometimes the word's "emo".

so this time, when i feel like penning down, i write and write. :) different issues, several entries. but i will post once everyday. its good to reflect, nv good to express it to others everything at a go.

oh, and thanks to you, now i know emo is not a bad thing. emo is no taboo as it used to be for me. i asked her what emo meant. she said "reflections". then we all are emo ppl then. :)

humans are different from animals because of their ability to reflect. i used to think its because we can feel emotions but dad said all animals can feel, they cry, they "smile". but we people, we can identify emotions.

2007-05-19T19:46:00.000+08:00

iris indirectly told me about this song. few lines got me thinking, especially with the mv uploaded on her friendster. and then i didnt know i had this song somewhere in my desktop so long ago.

"but i know if i could do it over, i would trade, give away all the words that i saved in my heart that i left unspoken."

it really sucks, if you couldnt say something you always wanted to say to that person that really matters. sometimes you thought they know, sometimes you grew so much into them, you took them for granted, you didnt renew the feelings, you didnt bother saying what you wish to say, though u know deep down that you really do love them.

then one day, they are just gone like that. never ever giving you another chance to say, to affirm. this is when you feel that angst, that loss, and loss hardly expresses how it feels. and you cant do anything about it. you cry, you gave up on the life you thought always meant you + them.

take death. dont we all know that deaths are certain. and yet we got so comfortable with them, we forgot about the expiry dates. some say all good things come to an end. we acknowledged the good things, yet we nv prepare ourself for when its all over.

cherish before its too late. before you cant even say anything ever again. then do we ever have an end to whatever we are saying? when we truly love that person, is there an end to loving? we only know when it all happens.

2007-05-18T19:00:00.001+08:00

there was this once when i look at lyrics of those songs that entices me.

many were affirmations they will give to their other half.

many were about the pain they felt when things werent the same as before.

many were about the immense loss they cant seem to get hold and get over with.

many were about how they will try, to still live life to the fullest, a lesson learnt; a heartbreak. it hurts but they will try to pick up.

i wonder why there isnt so much from the other party. the one who chose to give up, to kill the love, to love no more.

haha. if so many people were like these singers, the world will really be much more meaningful. much more. romantic. then, is it only through these losses, that you realise how much you cherish? because if nothing happened, will these songs ever be heard?

2007-05-18T18:49:00.000+08:00

i sprained my ankle.
i sprained my elbow.
i sprained my wrist.

yet on the exterior, i got nothing but a small cut.

its exactly like those feelings within. to others, to even yourself, you always seem alright. you tell yourself that everything will be fine. but what's on the surface, that small little cut is nothing compared to the pain felt within. that when through my mind when i fell. because when i smile, the game continues. life continues. but that battle scar, no one actually knows. even you yourself, forgets sometimes.

so take stock. because its important to know where it exactly sprains. where it exactly hurts. cos from then on, the hurt will be that much less once you have felt before.
because even scars can heal faster each time. then there's closure. closure for another opening.

About You (2)

2007-05-13T00:24:00.000+08:00

Part 2/infinity

i remembered there was a first part. about xd. i remembered telling myself who the infinity one will be.
i remembered how we had to all go to our seperate ways. but i still remembered. i still remember you guys.

to whom it may concern. i dislike u at first. i cant remember exactly how. but you were a pain in the ass in sec 1. muahaha. how time flies. how time could change a person mentality. how people change at all.

we bonded, i know, three of us. when we became psls. when somehow we did something, that bring us so close, we are still hanging on till now. :)

and through the 4 years, and even when we are in different schools, different class in the upper sec. we held each other's back. we supported each other. we fought for each other.

and yes. now i start to know why. we think quite similarly. is it the culture we have? is it how we uphold sji so much.

because our relationship is damn true. because when we are together, we relate others as others. and we talked. like men. or arent we already? when we had suffered so much. because when i told you i finally saw the ugly side of life, that really life aint as beautiful as we all strive for. life can indeed grants you an 180degrees turn, even if you dont want it. that life flows through the path of least resistance, that people will lose hope and take what is easy, rather than what will truly be happy but difficult. that we should fucking cherish the times that we thought could last forever. and that we really should cherish, cherish everything that is part of life. because life's singular. and he. he perfectly understood that.

and you, you were the reason why i am still standing up tall. because at least i know someone who connects like me. who feels exactly like me.

we feel old, yiuleung. dont we all feel damn old?

thank you, closest friend. and thanks for telling me that at least i am wiser now. lol. you will grow to be a great person. and there i will sill stand, all proud of you. i failed, i failed and i didnt picked myself fast enough. you better dont. cherish, because i still believe that love can last forever. and you and ali, will be my living proof. heh. :)

by the time you reach infinity, i guess, the person, that person will be non-existent.

2007-05-10T20:36:00.000+08:00

habits. they are price inelastic.

habits. they occured because you are too comfortable with them in life. because you thought or still think that they still play an important role. a great significance in ur life. used to be.

so i got this funny habit of mine. i would place my phone beside my bed. so that first thing i wake up, i can read whatever smses i got. and sometimes, they really made me wake up, because i had the energy, to give it a smile. a weak one, but still a smile.

it seems like there is near zero now. but habit will be habit. i dont care what killer wave the phone can transmit to kill my braincells. the replies were worth it.

so if you guys want me to receive any smses, i will read them, first thing when i wake up. first thing when a new day dawned on me. a new day, but its more like marginal cost. its an addition, an addition to the splendid past. :)

2007-05-07T21:00:00.000+08:00

napfa gold. awesome!!

i remembered how many times i had to retake my 2.4 just to get a "c" grade to finally get a gold. especially when the other 5 stations are all well-done. i remembered how in sji, i had to run again and again, alone. once in a while, friends will pace me. but that whole affair, was empty, was mundane.

this time, the deal's tougher. the 5stations and the 2.4 must be done within two weeks. and today was the only day possible. and today is bloody hot! looking at the track, i already given up. all of us were cursing.

then i ran 1 round to warm up. to warm up mentally. 1 round is just like tht. times 7 only. 7! wtf. throughout the run, i nearly gave up 3times. nearly vomited 2times. nearly died once. it was hell. racing agains time was never my forte. i prefer to do my best without time as a determinant.

11.54. it wasnt an awesome grade. but its a C! and its the first time i reach a 11min mark. and what was left was all the mental strength i could have mustered. the little bits of it. millions things when through my mind. so many things, they all pushed me forward. i didnt want to give up because of them. i remembered one thing i constantly told myself.

"keep smiling. enjoy this run."
"keep smiling. be strong."

i did my best. and to know that i started off criticizing it. i should have known better. to hang on in life. no matter how things suck. no matter how obstacles are in the way, we must face them. we must be strong. in the end, we must enjoy what we do.

i cant be like this forever. its time i do what i do best. and that's to hold on. even if its forever. :)

2007-05-06T16:14:00.000+08:00

spiderman 3. pretty wonderful.

it was so real. those scenes, everything. it was like watching my life, minus the superhero part. it had every element of love in it. friendship. children. father. these bonds are really what makes us human. the ability to translate feelings into actions. or even actions into feelings.

i nearly cried. actually i did. i just held back my tears as much as possible. first time in my life, a movie could have such great impact on me. while, maybe its just a coincidence that it was at my lowest point in life that it screens. and its relevance of it all.

to know that life can just change in an instant, ppl used to say it, i used to say it too, i believe there's always lessons learnt after everything. what dont kill you, mkaes you that much stronger. but at the end of the line, we must all know that we must always stick to our principles, our purpose in life. its not worth it, to change yourself because life's no longer how we used to live it. to alter your whole soul till there's no more recognition. life's that short, how many more renewal would u want? is renewal even necessary?

just two things that made the movie lose its perfection.

the part where parker danced and shaked his ass like its the 80's is so damn corny. should have just made him dark and evil instead.

and the finale. parker should have cried. seriously, parker should have cried more than mj. he looked stoned at the last part.

at least you still got her back.

2007-05-04T22:23:00.000+08:00

whee. everyone's feeling shit. everyone sane. according to xd, we have forgotten what tired means. oh no. its not only the fatigue. its the ambience. its the shit that's thrown at you everyday.

met up with guanwen today. oh man, long time no see and you are as "du lan" as ever. or whatever you call it. :) the usual frustrated look. well. it seems like we have so much angst, we get into emo state immediately. seems like there's one more josephian who feels that sji is still the home. the home baby. we travelled and we poured out our lives. till we were at lido. and guess what. two guy needing a shopping therapy. there's this nike 50% sale. and we were talking like old aunties. two guys solemnly thrashing out life. its pretty cool.

it seems like we just got an experience of what reality and life can be otherwise. in sji, it was all trying out. all the chances, all the rooms for improvements. life can be even worse. not everyone is exactly happy with their lives at one point in life. but we gonna accept it and squeeze the purpose out of it.

for now, i am willing to try out how much i can truly take as a person. how much i can restrain before i break. its a self-test of true personality, i need the gauge for my own. i need to squeeze the purpose after all. though i knew i had one last time. its a game over and a restart. doesnt restart gives you a better understanding of the whole game all the time? i just know that i have seriously grown up much more after everything that happened. that i am old and at least a little wiser. life cannot be taken for granted. i know now that life can change, before you even feel the full impact. it has gotten you on the ground.

restart. but restart wisely.

its knowing that the shit's there and we still gonna stand right up.

2007-05-03T16:25:00.000+08:00

i used to always blog right in the corner of my room. right on my own desktop.
my private life. the room that holds amazingly loads of memories. the place that built me up as a person.

now. in my cj uniform, right in the midst of the media centre in the library, i am enticed to write again. write, write, write, write. why am i writing so much these days? there seemed to be a need to express. life is moving too fast. maybe i just had too much to do these days.

whee. iris, yingying, vrinda, chris, sheryne. they are right beside me. its amazing how people can group together and then build upon the relationship, the friendship together. especially when we all had a past. relationships that were existent before the new came about.

there's just so much to do. but i promised myself. i will do my best, to reach out and to finally see the light. the amount of work is always acceptable by our standards. its how much we want to strive. its how much pain we are willing to endure. because we all know.

the pain is temporary, the result is eternal.

2007-05-02T19:23:00.000+08:00

that day i went back to sji.

i wasnt too happy. my certificate was nothing special. there were a number of Bs. but i had to get it anyway. and my friends were waiting.

to hell with it. let me just get it over with.

it was raining. yingying was nice to follow me to sji. bet you want to take a look at the school. AND the guys. haha.

like a solemn downpour, we trekked slowly back to my alma mater.

the moment i stepped into that familiar grounds, students turned. was it because of yingying? then "encik! encik!...", "is that kaichuen?", "wah, he still remembers us!" then all the faces suddenly looked familiar. hey, my batch is non-existent already, but just looking at the successors, knowing that they still recognises you. it beats anything in this world. every "hi!" i acknowledged, it was euphoria for me. those guys. i can never forget them. they were my sji.

ncc training was on too. those trainings were the norm then, and supposedly boring. now, how i really wish i was back there. how i wish i had cherished the hq. the benches. the pull-up bars. the area that i didnt even gave a thoughtful second glance. now its not ours. when we finally lose something, we understand how the absence actually hurts. i was immediately addressed to the new sec1s as the ex-csm. they regarded me as a legend. it seems, i am really past those times. we gotta move on. but we must never, never ever forget the past. no matter how. because the past is the key to whom you are.

i love this school. i love those 4years. every minute of it.

i went to the office, took the certificate wholeheartedly. this is the evidence of my life of 4years, in that wonderful place. this is the written proof that tells me those mere 4years arent wasted. thank you sji.

2007-05-01T20:33:00.000+08:00

labour day. spiderman 3. botanic garden. spasm.

it was supposed to be a gathering of the kindred spirits. the us who were so much together last time. since when, i have nearly forgotten. it was to connect with everyone again. sadly, we nv could afford,the time, the effort, the enthusiasm.

so there were 3 left now in the fellowship of infinity last time. but yes, we bonded. i felt that essence of homecoming again. but in reality, we know that this will never last. we got our schools. we got our works. we got our own lives. and no matter how we try to make us unite, we know its next to impossible.

spidey had to be postponed to next time. the fellowship can never be complete. and spidey will nv see the lot. but we pressed on. we will try once more, on sun. cheers.

so we got back into civilization. town. people. people. town. and that combination of us 3 was unique at first. interesting. difficult to open up. so we gave way to simplicity, to speciality. to something interesting, crazy, "basic". and we changed our course deliberately. no more lido, taka, cine. we wanted to trek to sji. but then a decision was made.we walked from town to botanics. we went back into serenity, nature. absence of busy people. suburb. the journey, creates that connectivity we so need.

sadly.. its only 3 of us.

so i have decided. we cant be physically together all the time. but this cannot make way to forgetfulness, to giving up. to moving on in life. we need to be united, we need to know that we are looking out for one another, that we are thinking of one another. because i can tell, if nothing is done. this special bond will break apart, never to be fixed back again. there were so much tensions, so much "why ah? why he like that now?". so much "i havent seen ... for months."

and because i have lost before. i understand the pain within. that sometimes before its too late, we couldnt portray our feelings. till when it happens, we all go down. i dont want you all to feel what i felt.

i cant do much alone. but i know we yearn for a common goal. to form a safety net that we all can fall back on.

friendship. its that special. :)

2007-05-01T00:45:00.000+08:00

a pact was made.

a simple, straightforward decision that needs lot of courage, perseverance, and the summonings of every part of the soul within.

its a pact to mug. (holy SHIT! mug! i cant believe it..)

it seemed so simple, like we are all in this together, in a college and everything. but to be motivated in studying is a million time harder than being motivated to do every other things besides studying.

hey, its never bad trying out just yet. at least i am not regarded as 'crazy', which i think chris will be regarded as if he chose to mug, muahaha, at least people liked the idea. thank god you guys are as sane or insane as me.

jonathan was drilling on us on how mugging is so damnass fun, when there's so much to pick up on. woah. how exciting.

but what must be done must be done. i cant hold back anymore. things will pile up from here. and it will be so bad, that scarcity will be experienced and the market will never be in equilibrium again.

its not like we are actually sincere with real passion of all subjects. but hardwork, and knowing what's good from what's easy, it shows alot about a person. to sit down and understand better, to drill into every corner of our mind, esp when fatigue gives you only dipole-dipole moments, time and time again, its tough. it wasnt meant to be easy in the first place.

positive motivation. i believe its that strong.
yet it can only go as strong as what's made of your heart. what's made within.

2007-04-29T23:35:00.000+08:00

friends.

old friends.

i used to take everything for granted. we enjoyed one other's company, till i believe we will go on forever. we always thought that fun and happiness go in sync with one another. we bonded, we blended in.

and we nearly forgot about the strongest influence, that can break and make a friendship. many ppl do. and that is to take stock. to cherish. to motivate. to be there for one another. its not about the fun that must be eternal. its knowing that you all are there when the ups go down. when the downs go up.

because life's not infinite. because we got to hang on together. because solidarity will surely burn you down. happiness is knowing that you all will be there for me. it doesnt matter the amount of friends, how much you stand out, cos in the end, i am truly, ever truly comfortable in all of your embraces. cherish before its all too late. before everything changes.

till life expires on us, we must stay together. we move together.
my life is a mere reflection of the path our lives converge upon.
my happiness a mere reflection of why the path even converge at all.

this is to you guys. you know who you are. cheers.

2007-04-26T22:05:00.000+08:00

without you guys, it will never be successful.

to hell with whether i am in or not. you all just made my day. thanks once again.

to see you all toil and paint, and dirtying your clothes, i am extremely touched. and i believe that campaigns should be like that. an opportunity to bond. that everything will be all fun and spastic. but majority are too power-hungry to even consider friends that are always by their side. even if all of your painting skills suck guys, you all rock through and through. i was speechless. i wanted to help, but i want that moment to be yours forever.

yes, its true i am exhausted. u all see me drained off energy. you all see me sleeping whenever i can. the moment i close my eyes, it will remain close for 5days straight. but i should have known that we are all tired too. we need to watch out for one another. because in this extremely volatile world, its not wise to prove. and being ur htc, i make sure you all do. because after all, these are what friends are for.

thanks jonathan, iris, chris, yingying, sush, cheryl.
thanks for putting back some genuine smile in me.
thanks for having faith in me.

friends.

2007-04-25T21:11:00.000+08:00

there were many opportunities to blog. to put a statement, to reflect every pitstop of our lives. yet the sad lack of enthusiasm, the loss of passion deters me from reaching a conclusion in life. it wasnt i didnt feel like blogging, it was merely the difficulty of expressing myself. when fatigue take over, when life continues the inertia after you tried to stop it. when life reaches at you a different angle, till you are hynoptised.

yes, like everyone else, you will continue to fight the loss, the confusion. we cant afford to stop. you make sure u beat the system, you thought you got the better edge over. you tried so hard to prove everyone wrong, you stood up, you cater to everyone's needs when you cant even take care of yourself. u take on so many commitments u become non-human.

you, kaichuen, should not put on a facade anymore. because there's one day when everything will break. that one day u find yourself immobilized.

to be dozing off all the time in classes, its the warning signs. as much as i want to move away from that deadend, more commitments piled over.

because one day you might reach the top. one day everything will be successful.
but those days proving, they will never come back. there will never be a chance to ever look back.

its time i sit back. its time i absorb the true essences of life. its time i enjoy what life ensues for me. its time i cherish.

2007-04-21T23:07:00.000+08:00

council nominees' camp interview

question 1.

what object do you think symbolises you most, relates to you best.
.
..
...
*stunned*

"A pencil."

*wide grin*

Pencil just came out of my head that very moment. as much as i want to salvage as much as possible what i had spoken, i thought i was screwed. so i went into the more mundane stuff about me having the passion of drawing, sketching, of creating from nothingness with a touch of a tool.

then it clicked my mind somehow, it resembles me because it may just be an ordinary, plain, simple thing that everyone overlooked. but the power of it lies in the passion, lies in the very uniqueness of its ability to create anything. this pencil: will create the ambience for cjcians to have a comfortable journey through the 2years, because it can create; without boundaries, the possibility of an infinity. :)

they nodded.

luckily.

2007-04-08T21:53:00.000+08:00

this easter weekend is a therapy for the soul. for me at least.

i succeeded in putting things back in place. i succeeded in sleeping so much more than that whole previous week combined. most of all, i succeeded in turning the tide. yet again. the tide of being controlled by external factors. i control them once again. but for how long. tht's a different issue all together.

it was all stay-at-home this weekend. an exchange of social bonding, for the plain tranquility of self. okay, there was a bonding of sorts on friday. but it was right at my house. and i felt at home, with the josephians. the people i associated eternity with. lifetime friends. lifetime counterparts. they were long gone from the everyday physical meetings. we clicked spiritually. we had our own circle of friends too. but we know. the solid circle we build in sji, it would be above the rest.

the days were slow. i chose to sleep more, differing from how i used to force myself to sleep only 8hours on weekend. my archenemy, alarmclock, became non-existent. or has i defeated it finally? i lazed around, picking up my favourite book. i read plenty. best of all, i managed to do work too. academic work. and life was like in a farmstay. slow, serene. there was communication with family.

so i thought to myself. is life really better off when you choose the path intentionally? it seems to be for me. the fast-paced world out there. i nearly lost myself. the meaning was gone. it was a system, a system that goes on everyday. if i would just put a little effort to make everyday special, will there be a genuine smile deriving from deep within?

to have a say in life, to be proactive, life's that much different. we all thought that someday out there, our life will be that way. that of a free person, someone who can do anything and not be bored down a post. not to act in an outer shell for people to affirm, for people to applaud ur effort. but when will that day come? in one lifetime, when will it finally be urs to cherish? when will i finally able to stop, to breathe in the essence of life?

let it be now. let me take life one step further. let me breathe at least. like how i did. this easter.

2007-03-25T20:35:00.001+08:00

so i went to do some soul-searching, and summarised my life into these different categories.
its pretty meaningful, judging from the fact that you get to write alittle something onto that box. its me they have composed, pretty accurately, just by looking at some pictures.

if you got the time, read my personality (the link below the box, which says "Read my VisualDNA"). so you will understand me better! and do one yourself. it used up some of my time. haha. and its faster than plain text blogging.

Read my VisualDNA™ Get your own VisualDNA™

2007-03-14T22:58:00.000+08:00

as i scrolled through my blog without a thought, i realised the amount of words that are put down here. i cldnt believe i had written so much, especially last time. it just goes on and on. moments of euphoria, excitement, achievement, nostalgia, plain boredom. it effectively made me a whole.

here i am again. rambling bout the whys of merely being here. i guess this post is and will be repetitive, as long as blog is a tool i used as a record of my life, as my timekeeper, as my self-checklist.

life took a drastic turn upon receiving my o's. the inability to pursue geography as a H2 because i cant make the cut. there was this NUS thing that needed students that meet the requirement of o's. i figured out that my score, though wonderful, just arent wonderful at all. but what really bit me was geog. i love geog. i thought of being a geog teacher. cos geog is the study of phenomenon through time. cos the phenomenon is life itself. cos life is something so fragile in the massive world. cos i somehow could relate to geog. taking a H1 geog just dont seem right. not meeting so many requirements just from an o's certificate, it really sucks. did i really not put in my best?

but then there were friends. and friends are that edge in life. that meaning u are alive every single moment. to know that life still goes on, that the world doesnt revolve round a grade, but more of a person u are. it gave me a reason to scold myself for being stupid and smile again. and friends or geog in life? i will say that friends is a better substitute for a phenomenon in life. it all links when 1t36 is the 1t09 from last time. it signifies my revival.

grades are an important part of ur life. but grades are seen in a person, not a person seen in a grade. the heart dont beat for the aggregate score. as much as the score makes the heart beat alittle faster. friends make the whole beating a whole lot more meaningful.

now i know, my drastic turn is not for the worst. its a drastic turn to come back again. its like an action/reaction thing. when we go down, we will surely go up again.

and we will go up. much higher than before.

2007-03-10T23:45:00.000+08:00

it has been long since i ever updated. but my absence wasn't a complete waste of time. it was a new discovery. and only till now have my euphoria for this new discovery is over. at least i can reflect again.

being a htc has been the best choice i have made through the first two months pae. gone were the days when a chairman was ironically spoonfed and have to listen to what the teacher wants him to do. in cj, either the school was good in giving us opportunity to shine or the administration wasnt so good, haha. we had to do all kinds of things by ourselves. all my mass-sms sendings were worth it. the implementation of class fund. everything structural had to be invented, implemented. it seemed easy but it was hell in the beginning, kept in the background. but everything was really worth it. knowing that classmates i hardly knew at first get to be v comfortable, because of the little actions that did not came about as a must by the teachers. :)

but just being a htc wasnt the best thing ever to happen to me, being a htc for the class 1t09 is really the best i could ever get. well, apparently. cos i can only experience my first jc experience in tht class. some class might even be better, but i will keep at that. t9 wasnt really the best mugger class, wasnt the most united class, cos there were evidences of cliques. but we never failed to keep pushing on to finally reach to the epic point where everyone truly misses the class when the pae was over. most stayed in cjc. and most came back together as 1t36, with ms shoong still as our home tutor.

it wasnt my effort, it was every single one of us who made t9 as unique as can be.
so thanks to these people. ( in class sitting order, as i can remember)

sush; for your strong affirmation bout my leadership, u sure talk well!

elane; for being so hardworking and sweet and talkative all at the same time. tribal girl!

nureen; you havent done my relay system! but thanks anyway for trying to listen! :)

valerie; for ur positivity and strong will that propel others as well, welcome back!

meiryl; for sleeping almost everyday in class! but u are always cute awake.

daphne; for nearly sleeping everyday together with meiryl. and always together with laura.

belinda; you are so quiet but i know u are serious inside. good luck in wherever u go.

bernie; fellow sister, the way u talk just make me smile. better do well for odac!

novielene; ur hair makes mine a failure! but u and bernie sure makes t9 that much different.

laura; for attracting all the guys into our class! so i can be proud and say i am the htc of t9

shiyu; for being a definite contrast to belinda. ur loudness makes everyone warm inside.

jasmine; for ur enthusiasm in class as the pcc! we all are that much bonded cos of u

maria; for ur frequent absence and finally withdrawal from cj. u make us all wanna pon too!

eunice; i rmb how u always tried to make fishballs from ur cheeks in the beginning days.

jacqueline; for i know ur secret just recently. we all know it. :)

chris; for being so irritating, and being that average guy that became my bestest friend in t9

jason; for u are the one who knows everything in cj beforehand. valuable resource!

colin; for ur jokes, and ur actions, and ur jokes again. u are cool.

xav; for being a classmate in sji and unfortunately here in t9 again.

rayner; for being under me in ncc last time and then trying to talk alot this time round. cheers.

2007-01-29T19:47:00.000+08:00

yes, i was pretty down for campfire. sad and exhausted. exhausted from the constant drift away from the sch.

not because i saw the not-so spectacular but always admirable performances that drove me to tears.

but because i couldnt see it at all.

4years i nv missed the campfires, 4years of looking at myself and the sec1s every year moving on together with the josephian spirit. seeing the little boys knowing what Josephian truly meant.

i wanted to share that spirit, that spirit only belonged to sji. so i brought my cj friends along. i figured sji herself will tell alot about me, bout my life, my journey to be the person i am now.

but no. this time, sji failed me. its not her fault though, but not being able to even go in to sch because of the "outsiders" i brought. if the school values friendship, then she should be the place where friends converge, especially in this significant moment. ( at least to me, its the beginning, the marked beginning of Josephians)

this year, outsiders werent allowed in. i couldnt leave my friends alone as much as i wanna be at my 5th campfire. since sji wants me to be a person for others, then tht should be the best course of actions. before the campfire, i had my fair share of reminisces: the teachers, the architecture, the ambience. and being addressed as an old-boy and to see teachers caring about ur whereabouts, its worth it.

then it rained.

and rained heavily.

2007-01-22T18:02:00.000+08:00

i missed sji.

the alma mater that i spent 4 years searching for my true personality and expanding on my hidden qualities. sji is definitely more than just a school. its like a place where i can truly be comfortable.

the times when i went back for judo training(cos cj trains with sji), i always feel the pride in associating myself with that place. that binding warmth can only be felt by josephians true to the school. ask yl and he will agree without even a mere second of hesitation.

but. what drove me close to tears was the day i chose to be different. the usual routines was either to mug in sch, or go to town for lunch and then back to the comforts of home.

yet that very day, i felt comfort in another place, a unique one at malcolm road.

it was a friday. uniformed groups training day. since the day i passed the baton on to my successor, i havent really seen the running of the ncc programme, a programme that i so devoted totally in.

upon arrival on the parade square.. "ENCIK!" everyone shouted. Smiles and waves, i see a blur of them all round.. of course, the new in-charges wldnt call me encik bt a firm "welcome back" and "HI ex-CSM!". i cldnt help but express my gratitude towards them, and smile in-sync with them.

adding sugar to the already sweet icecream, they were enthusiastic about showing me their drills but the teachers wanted to call it a day already. i emphatised with thiaghu, because the teacher is always boss. he insisted, and the secondary 3(then sec 2s) insisted even more, they were already prepared in their straightest positions. the cheers werent all pitch-perfect, but those were words i grew up with. i felt myself mouthing them but there was this invisible veil that stop me from shouting with them. that i am already past, and the present should move on.

i must say the standard wasnt exactly perfect, but to me, they are more than perfect. even though i am not in-charge, i feel that special bonds with them, they were people i had my life previously with, they are the ones whom i toiled tgt with, scolded, laughed. to know i still have the respect from them, to know i still have a place in their hearts, i was already touched through and through.

but the final straw. the final straw that got me busy holding back my tears, is when they all got scolded by the teacher willingly. i found out finally, that i had left my legacy behind and so does every other ex-josephian. it may be short, cos new batches will not know us anymore, but to the ppl with us, we will forever be part of their sji experience.

i cant wait for the campfire. i am just worried, worried that my tears can no longer be held back anymore.

2007-01-20T23:37:00.000+08:00

catholic junior college.
:spirit succinctly congruent to sji. (but of course sji will always be the SJI.)

i must say the experience is utterly overwhelming: the tutorials, the lectures, that orientation, and esp. the people. yes, it was and will be something that will be part of me forever, like everything that fate has decided. however, the main point isnt how great the college is, its what's running through my head the day college started.

the highly anticipated o's result is always running through my head. the "what ifs".
if my result is good, its not so much of a problem.
But what if. i dont want my newly acquired friendships to disappear. i dont want my efforts to be wasted. and a million of "i donts" lingers..

i talked to xd bout it. he said its better to leave the day before to start worrying. cos its affecting my optimum in class, i said. he was shocked that i begun to think so negatively bout myself. i nv did in front of him i guess. but i wasnt negative. its when i found out cj is like a 2nd sji, i dont wanna lose it, when i found out ppl there believed in me, when i know tht there's a possibility that the higher i climb, the higher i will fall.

you see, when u have nothing to lose, u wont be worried at all. its because of the special bond, the connections, i just dont want them to be false. when you love someone, you wldnt want him/her to just be a short-term illusion. a mirage.

most ppl will keep quiet. many will succeed and they didnt have to worry. "luckily i didnt act like a wimp infronta my friends". what bout those who failed? they didnt build a safety net to fall on.. just too late.

it isn't paranoia, it isn't inconfidence. it's when you know how special that something is, u dont wanna have to turn back again. u made a home near the volcano, u grew into it. when the volcano erupts, u just cant seem to leave. the consequence... is only death.

i penned it down, and i hope when the time comes, i am prepared.

About You

2007-01-02T22:45:00.000+08:00

Part 1/infinity (of random inspirational order)

to: whomever it may concern.

in saint joseph's institution, fate will bring boys, ultimately men, together. together in a single voice, a unique/'gusto' voice called josephian. and this, brings about the special bonds that will last for a lifetime.

everybody has their own story, yet story always invoke the participation of another human being, a human being special enough in his/her heart to be recounted in his life: his Story

......
....
...
..
.

this post, goes to someone who has been a motivation to me. a motivation that derives from within to make my Story, once a book loose sheets everywhere without even a cover, to one with a hard bind, and a summary included at the back. an open advertisement of some sorts. an identity of confidence.

he was not a direct motivation to me. he was like a spark together with the commitments that i had bestowed unto myself. he was more like a challenge, a mental self-struggle to be where he stands. it pushes me to be positive, it starts to make me a person i am now. then of course, the tests that came along in SJI.

because he is himself a person with high self-confidence, self esteem. he has his good mix of friends, ppl who loved to stick round him, and this obliterated my views on our friendship. i used to think i was just a pawn in his circle of friends, and that at first drove me away from him.

and then came his affirmation, late december. something he did changed my attitude towards him. it maybe a small gesture he did to everyone, but it warmed me up.

we may be very different, in terms of: friends, attitudes, concepts of life. but fate has brought us together, and the difference became the one sole similarity, we are friends.

and to you xd, thanks for being that spark that make me value my own life. i can choose to tell everyone that it is myself, my capability that make me who i am. i can tell everyone that i have always been confident, brave and the kaichuen that everyone is proud of. but without direction, i will still be the kc 4years ago.

i owe u nothing i know, but a return-affirmation for a special friend.

one out of three.
kaichuen

2006-12-18T04:42:00.000+08:00

god.

3 months just passed without a single record right here.
3 intense months of my life: 1 for the prep for the o's, 1 for the o's itself. 1 for the aftermath.

it seemed to me then that this blog ain't really that crucial to me, but then again, i felt less focused of some sort, minimal empowerment and upholdings of the values of my life. everything seemed to die down, and stay low. maybe there weren't much elaborated things i had done, maybe i chose not to do them at this moment. looking at my previous blog entries, these sentences up above immediately lost to those written previously, the feel is gone, and together with it, the self-confidence.

i started this entry without a focus, i thought it's time to try something different, only a difference can enable a man to reflect and correct/improve. a difference enables choice. i didnt realised, but it had translated into two focuses. haha. intriguing. well, there maybe a focus afterall, a focus to have two focuses because i just cant focus on one, or a focus to not focus at all. indeed, my mind needs defragmenting.

first focus
everytime there's a dont, there's a do, a ying to yang. everytime i say i havent blog for a long time here, its the time i blogged again. there seemed to be some physics still. everytime i do so, i would question the quality of blogging. has it really helped ease my concentration? smoothen out the thought? ( every action, there's a reaction) and somehow, i believe that blogging is just another medium of penning down the vast amount of magical information it can process. we all want our lives to be recognised, to be re-read again. we have ideas that churns out deep in our sub-consciousness, making us believe that we can speak wonders, we can develop and imagine miracles. so we blog, we write. and what we get from it is that tranquility, that momentary peace and ease, that knowledge of being able to control your life. the thoughts you registered. but to me still, blogging is a mere substitute. u cant be blogging 24/7, and even if you are, your brains register the aches of the fingers, the hunger and the fatigue amidst those brilliant thoughts.

hell, i still want that temporary tranquiliser, even if it means knowingly defying myself, giving myself the false conception that i am on top of things, the illusion that i know alot. all i hope is that when my thoughts flow, people can feel me, people can accept me. and tht's all tht matters, when my friends acknowledge, understand and relate back with their thoughts. it seemed this tranquiliser is a special one. but i know i cant always blog, it cannot be a distraction. i will only blog for the people around me, the ones who truly cared. lol.

second focus
i highlighted one of the lows of my life, the inability to understand why i just dont seem to be doing alot to be recorded down into this journal. when i still lived my life in sji, everyday seemed to be important, everyday seemed so packed full i couldnt breathe. everyday was a lesson. comparative to now, right smack in the crossroad between a josephian and a cjcian, those were like written on the battlefield, now were merely the recuparations when thoughts about the battlefield were like running on the marathon.

people my age took this period of time, that crossroad, at differential amounts of importance, or even at different aspects altogether. most went to work, to experience, though little, alittle about the psychology behind jobs of various medium. in this society, this system had been printed unto us, that after 16 , after o's there will be a break before you go to the next level of education. yet, humans, as humans do, will definitely do various things that are unique to themselves. still many had the overarching idea of a phase in life, a crossover, like from a teenager to a young adult. i rmbered how bro mike identified these things to celebrations held even through ancient times, when ppl marry, even how boys become men in ns.

when some of my friends work, i believed they are preparing for the vast society away from home/school. a phase indeed.

some took to immense preparation for jc life. a phase to feel prepared.

here are even a minority who would go to the aspect of changing their room design and positions.

i found this really special, how people accept that every end have a new beginning.

me? i had a plan. a phase in mind, that i wanted to focus on tightening the bonds with my friends and even create new bonds with the friends of my friends and to also improve on various skills that i had neglected to achieve. that must be the phase that had disillusioned me into thinking i were wasted this holidays. i shouldnt be low, i should be doing what i set out to do, without any regrets. come to think of it, i might have accomplished some already. so. i didnt work, i didnt change my room design. hardly even knowing it, i did what i set out to do. :) luckily. haha.

well, sometimes we just feel like giving up, thinking that we are not at our optimum, but think again and think hard, your sub-consciousness pushed you to do something during the period u thought u didnt do anything valuable. and then that's your life in the middle of the end and the beginning of your student life.

god. bloody long. tell me if you survive this AND found it meaningful, its just one of the million thoughts in my head, like those in urs. i wont read it again, so i dont feel the boring factor. that's the consequences for the long absence here. the cons are on u! my friends who are willing to want to read.

2006-09-16T02:45:00.000+08:00

its the prelims but hey, life still continues. i believe this is so much more meaningful than the commitments in academics. and by looking at the time lag since the last time i blogged, seems like school had really been giving me the crunch, esp this here commitment as a csm. well, let me dedicate this blog entry to that one hell of experience i really had in this final year of sji.

i wrote this into the csm diary, finally i penned it down and i decided to put it onto this blog so that not only the csms sees it but people who do care too.. its not just about ncc, its about sji. i cant possibly penned down everything because it just goes on but that's it, a single letter to the students after me. here goes: a tribute to the 4 years i spent in school, in this school : St. Joseph's Institution.

To: the chosen one.
To: the Josephian who is willing to make the difference.
To: a mere adolescent of 16
To: my fellow Company Sergeant Major.

I stepped onto that seemingly insignificant piece of concrete slab, dull grey and in the heart of our Alma Mater. The special place we called the parade square. Our very own HQ laid stagnant, door closed in the vicinity. What’s so special about a mass of 100 over students, congregating every other afternoon, to command as best they could, to march as nicely as they could, to be forced. Just for the requirement of SJI’s curriculum? Unlikely.

The day you wore the sash, the day you had that pacestick rested neatly on your left forearm, the pacestick that our predecessor have had an equal share on, that day had effectively changed your life forever. From the excellent cadet to the responsible CSM, you are given the commitment to take care of the 100+ boys, to be the face of SJI and to be given the trust of everyone related directly and indirectly to the company, the cadets, the friends, the parents, yourself.

You are given this status because some people in this gigantic world have faith in you, who cared to value you and give you this opportunity, because people know you are able to reach for greater heights for the betterment of the people who had invested in their time in this CCA. It is not about your seemingly “perfect” qualities that landed you this top notch. Its because of your attitude and the confidence you have for yourself. And the most important thing: because you will learn most from this very post. As a mission school, SJI wants us to be that difference after four years, a tat special than the rest and this is how everything ties in. The CSM post is like a practicum for you to understand yourself better: Your strengths, your weaknesses and the ability to adapt to both ends. I became the CSM, yes, because of my attitude and genuine motive to strive for the best in life yet my weakness was one of the CSM’s worst. The inability to control emotions and the inability to be perfectly comfortable voicing out to a large crowd was something that not many people, including me could do, especially at this age. I could only write, and express my feelings through the words that are penned down. A CSM who is supposed to address the masses was directly opposing all those constraints. I curbed all that during the terms as a CSM, with great difficulties and frequent dismissal of my own loved ones, tried all the time by the problems that arise incredibly. It’s not about being famous and being recognized, it’s about the ability to change for the better and the ability to disallow succumbing to pressure that really touches others in your life, especially your loved ones, and yourself. This is no wonder why ex-CSMs from previous decades and even before I was born was still proud of being the CSM of their time. This post is not easily attainable and you must know that it is your efforts and maturity that had brought you so far. It is up to you now to bring yourself further and subsequently carrying your cadets with you. I told my incoming CSM, that in a week, you are working everyday except for the training day. The training day is merely the result of how much work you have put in.

As you flipped the pages, you will see how almost all the CSMs stresses on the fact that our unit is not merely NCC(Land), it’s the SJI NCC (Land). Always remember that though our unit is military-based, we must always remember SJI’s forte, to induce character development. It’s not about the exciting military-based activities; it’s the simple bonding of the cadets as they suffer together in the same old parade square every training.

I looked at this torn and uninteresting diary presented to me by my ex-CSM, the diary shared by all CSMs. I was holding on to a piece of history, a proof that there were people who had went through this before me, that I am not alone in this discovery of life. I was overwhelmed at first and did not feel I was capable of being in the same league as these great people. But here I am, affirmed by the people who really do care. Now I dare to write and write as much as I could and I hope all of you future CSMs will put that priceless experience safely into the vault of this diary, before a piece of history is lost. My piece of history marks the end of 2006, the end of the 1st centennial of this unit and the beginning of the next century. Our unit will continue to strive and she will depend on you, that mere 16years with a little something in him.

As I passed this on, I just want the successors, the Josephians who is given this one in a lifetime chance to cherish every moment of their terms as a CSM. The term is short, but the result is eternal. A CSM will always be a CSM, the Company Sergeant Major that had gone through a phase of personal recognition and interpersonal understanding. It is not the power you have achieved, it is the power that you are about to give to the 120odd juniors to enable them to be men of integrity and maturity and to fulfill SJI’s mission. It is only this school that brings out the importance of tradition and the importance of servant leadership, helping someone else to help yourself finally. You never force the cadets to do things; they do it because they want to show you they can do it. You matter to them.

Enjoy yourself, as you dawn the sash and hold the pacestick with pride, show your cadets that you care for them every single one of them. Without the cadet, there will be no CSM.

In the end of the day, when the cadets smile, you know that it all matters

And you will smile too, the smile that surpassed all smiles you ever had, as you passed down your sash and your pacestick to that next person, that person who will have the one experience unlike others.

As I looked into the sky, the immense sunlight forced me to look back into the parade square. Four years of my life was spent here in this very “sacred” ground. It is that warmth, the bonds that keeps the flames burning to ensure that the passion is forever being passed down that entices the cadets to keep coming despite the pain. This is no dull ground; this is a ground that produces people, people called Josephians.

SJI's Company Sergeant Major 2006
MSG Mok Kai Chuen

2006-04-24T21:30:00.000+08:00

things are moving fast.. every day seem only serve to be meant for a larger-scale, massive picture that will affect my life forever. 1 whole week could mean full geography and chemistry revision, something i wouldnt like to do if i had the choice. Watever, i need to settle down and do what i HAVE to do..Its the 24th April, already a few more leaps nearer the O's since the last time i blogged. Its like the triple jump and i had already taken the 1st jump.. the 2nd and the last would come soon after, very much sooner than the slow build-up for the 1st.. basically because of the momentum and the need to jump anyway..

as predicted, luckily, the dispute in ncc had kinda finally settled. The inconfidence of the throne being overtaken by some nemesis or the scare of the absence of respect for the throne itself is null now. Oh.. its not only me needing to protect and defend against the nemesis, even though i spent countless sleepless night trying to win meaningless grounds and then preventing it to be retaken again. Its more like this spark ignited by the nemesis targeted at me backfired and finally everything is disclosed and make known to the higher beings. Now, the higher beings are no more against me but rather united in putting me together once again. They finally understand the damn sufferings i had to go through alone. Now everyone is happy, at least the worried, the good, the innocent. & of course, Mr Jude Tan told us csms, that our time is nearly up, its time we have to let go and let the juniors have the thrills of their lives. They will become different persons i guaranteed. One who had witnessed "alittle" trouble, chaos, politics. Not only that, bt also one who are forced and decided to change because of circumstances and grew a tat stronger. People who have smelled blood, tasted many tears, finally learnt the true cruelty of reality and alittle smarter in making decisions for his own survival.

Now, i will jus hav to make sure i maintain the throne. tht's first and definitely easier. its like a good impression is already given by everyone, cadets, specs, sirs alike. Now it's just HOW much this impression will stay burning and alive in someone's heart, in how many people's heart. this is definitely difficult.. its like darrenn eng still lingers in my mind.. the csm that i had when i was sec2. Minimum conflict now, though tht nemesis's poised to return.. its futile.. its extinct. i am all the way up there already.. u dont stand a chance anymore. I will focus the last few chances to fully utilise my skills, my words, my actions, my way of doing things. the very first principle of wy i was chosen as a csm.. i will give everything back, i will talk about the politics, i will talk about tht importance of friendship, i will share and give the things that i myself hav picked up along the way to u guys.. part As, Bs, Cs, even Ds. and hopefully, u all will nt hav the bad mindset about ncc again, because it really do make u alot more mature, alot more scarred, alot more experienced. and when we are finally asked to leave, u all will hav a faint reminder of my words that linger forever in ur mind, ur heart that will really help u to cope, even the slightest stress or when u felt like u hav given up. its not like i might be capable of that, but what's a student leader for? a student leader for 120 military boys? who will come quietly, face tht little nemesis then leave quietly? i dont wan to be able to learn myself, i wan to be able to share. this is whr i really come in.. more storytime cadets. especially the future csms, the future appointment holders, u all will know that thr's this guy who had gone through wad u are going through.. the times when u take the parade for the 1st time, and the last time, the 1st time u drop the pacestick, and of course, the v first time u get screwed real bad. u will have your stories to pen down, & i will be really touched.. if i am part of your lives. in the story dated back to 2006.

2006-03-11T21:34:00.000+08:00

first came the terrible headaches, then the massive cold war + sore throat, and then a fever that was serious enough to lay me on bed. the moment i could stand up again, i was hit by a bout of flu.. the nose jus kept sniffing.. and now, the coughs were long enough to irritate me. all this in a matter of two weeks. i am off-formed for such a long time, finally i am climbing back. thankfully.

so many days have past the last time i came here. so many things impt enough were left unchecked here, they just came and went, all significant enough thr isn't one more significant than the others, so they jus passed by without any putting down. my bdae party. company camp. parent seminar. ta1. ta1 results and so many other stuff relative to the term "sec4".

ta1 was terrible, like all the josephians' answer, at least the josephians in my class. i failed 3 sub. physics, geog and elective humanities. my eng was jus 50. it didnt come unexpected. it was e midst of my illnesses. bt a distinction for my amaths & a b3 for emaths. and my chinese was above average. all in all, seventh in class. deproved from last year's fourth and nw e percentage are so close. everyone's working, its the last chance afterall. one thing i learnt however, tht my results were e opposite nw, 1st in class for physics last year, 2nd in geog, and my eng was a distinction, my eh nt bad at all. my maths and chinese were nv tht good. one way to console myself: i can actually do well in my studies, all my subjects. its how bad i want to work for it or not. and i can tell u and myself, i am desperate for good grades nw. thr's nt a particular subject tht i am v weak on, jus how much effort do i needa put in for each. mayb i gt the emergency call, tht i needa work on the weak ones. this is nt an excuse, nt at all.the strong ones became weak.

before we noe it, 1 term gone jus like tht. 3 more terms in sji. i began to ponder, began to feel a tight strain on my emotion. i am dead worried now. what the hell am i still doin here? my results are nv better after the constant ego-boosting i gave myself. is thr enough energy left in me to continue giving myself a nitro-boost? i hope thr is. the 3 years worth of input on learning how to motivate, i can push them all out nw right? i wonder.. this sickness is nt helping. and all the wars are nt helping too. so what should i do? focus so much more on studies tht i simply give up the wars and let the obstacles bypass me? let me just surrender from the war.. wait a min. no way. this is nt the word. i nv surrender do i. tht's why stuff gets screwed sometimes. it jus mean,

tht i am gonna fight the wars, more vigorously, with more force, i am gonna win the war like how the lightning strikes. i am gonna tackle my opponents so ruthlessly, i feel my morale reduced. finally i can sense the time lapse. we are just too near. too dangerous. i cant be the kind-hearted soul tht only waits for the opponent to back off. i have to do what i hafta do. it mayb so dead, bt tht's my only solution left. winning the war would unconditionally give me tht confidence. bt indulging in it would give me a time lag in studies. then, extra efforts, extra might. i feel my sickness goin away, is this a sign of renewal, sign for me to damn get my butt moving? no matter, lets just take it from there. no more time to wait. so many times i promise myself. so many times i let my parents down.. so many times i indulge in the wars bt nv really put an end to them. i will make the final assault. so many times i am still sitting down letting my emotions take over. no more. no more wrong moves.

ending note, response to xd's quote. the ultimate rule to mugging, is not only get a book, sit down, shut up, read. its that, but prior to that. we gonna have the one thing, tht mindset to start the spark to mugging. the xfactor to move that damn mind, that damn heart to get the book.

2006-02-20T18:14:00.000+08:00

mrs martina chan, my geog teacher,told us a short story in between lessons..

It was about this josephian, older than us by just one year, one of e sec 4s last year who came back to get their o's result.. well, everyone of our seniors came back, and everyone was anxious and everything.. this guy, mrs chan said, was quite a quiet guy, does his work well bt always didnt really put in the effort for geog.. always jus skimmed through his text and focuses on other subjects in geog class.. main reason why.. he always score well in the small little tests and he grew complacent.. then e o's came, and went through jus like tht.. we didn noe how exactly he prepared, didnt noe how exactly he felt and gone through.. yet always it would be reflected in the results.

v obviously, he spent more time in his other subjects, and it was geog tht pulled him down.. he wasnt tht bad, according to mrs chan, he got a 12 or 13 points, enough to go to a fairly good jc.. yet he was the only guy in his geog class tht didnt get a distinction.. imagine u, thinking u are always so good and pro in tht subject actually lost to everyone in tht same class.. while everyone is in high spirits, he had to swallow his pride and keep mum about everything.. u feel that defeat that u know u are the cause for it in the first place.. how u wish u could start over again..

he cried. in a corner. then a friend called mrs chan, asked her what he should do to help tht poor soul. of cos, wad done's done, u couldnt change tht mark into a distinction band. u could only help so much, and thr's only sympathy, no empathy.. nxt few days, mrs chan said.. he got into even further depression. tht was when his girlfriend left him, because he was nt clever enough..mayb not clever for her standard, cos she gt single digit and everything.. jus like tht, one exams led to so many complications. and it jus boiled down to your attitude towards work. i cant imagine how tht guy felt. bt somehow noone really cares, cos he was jus an ordinary guy, his story would be forgotten as quickly as it was once told, then he would continue his life somewhere somehow, his own true feelings shown in his own pace, only he knows his own story best.

jus one short story, a break from lesson. a mere 5 mins or so. it led me to think of couple of stuff..
firstly. that examinations by themselves are so much inferior to the importance of friendship and family, the ppl you loved.. it is basically because of them that you work hard, because of them tht u wanna prove, because of them tht u are willing to burn so much of midnight oil and grew all worried about. nt entirely true, cos u could be proving to yourself, bt without anyone to support u, to be at ur back all e time.. thr'snt really any point in doin well. yes, you prove to yourself u did work hard.. bt tht's it, full stop. how bout u prove to urself and then others see ur capability too and then thr's joy, sadness and every emotions conjoined into one.. humans are emotional beings anyway.. when all ur friends are celebrating, u would wanna be with them too.. bt u jus cant because u failed nt urself, bt the people around u too..

secondly, only through really hard times, that u see ur real friends tryin to help u.. tryin their best to bring light back upon ur path. look at his anonymous friend, we dunno whether he did really console him, yet his heart was pure, he wanted to help him.. then look at his gf nw, she left him jus because he failed once. we go around being with friends, we shagged, cheered, hanged out.. bt who is willing to share his blood and sweat for another friend when the need arise. he can be ur best friend, bt when u are in trouble, he will find excuses and make it seem like he is worse off..and tht's e beauty of it all, friendship.. u jus feel tht person, u wanna be thr for him.. its nt so much of him being thr for u.. bt u are the one initiate it now, somehow he's important enough to be part of u..u jus wanna care. wholeheartedly. no strings attached.

2006-01-22T21:21:00.000+08:00

"Its at the top where you look down & see how ugly everything is."

tht little catch-phrase, little bt powerful, was on my msn nick for quite some time.. i didnt wanna change, its really kinda meaningful. xd and i were tokin bout leadership & e stresses attached to it. you cant run away from them the moment u chose to want to be the student leader of ur cca. it was in december when i put up this nick.. it jus meant tht when u are in the "top" position, u get to see all the loose ends, all the messed up stuff, all the administration & logistics clogged up & u gt to be the one making ends meet.. i felt it tht way, like so many of us in sch, when u were jus a cadet, when we were jus juniors, how easy life can be.. either u attend or not, tht's when u can put in ur best.. well now, u HAVE to attend, then u gonna put in your best, & then having to motivate others to attend as well..and definitely etc etc.

then 1st training 2006 came be4 i could even change my nick.. the same old crazy administration, the same old runinng up and down to get everything in order.. as usual, parade's a little late than usual.. well, mr low stood up on e 2nd floor, lookin towards the parade square, he called me up.. in my no.4, i had to run again, when can this bloody end.. up thr, first thing he did, pointed towards his clock, then towards e parade square.. okay, needa explain again..then he stopped me, and shouted.. i couldnt rmb how, bt he started tokin bout how messy all e cadets were.. and how everyone's moving like nobody's business, esp. the seniors, when they are supposed to be ready for e parade.. that was when i really saw, at the top, on e second floor, down onto the parade square.. tht whole bunch of people in green, they all belonged to me, wadever i do, it matters to all of them, esp. the layout, the aftermath.. the many small things i could do, to make everything run smoothly.. its like, i run this company, this corps, wadever the outcome, its the reflection of me too.. tht msn nick, really made sense then.. it's jus like some prophecy of some sorts.

then couple of days ago, it was campfire night.. i got the hang of trainings already, and finally know how to control my emotions and making the trainings acceptable for others.. jus e third training, things gettin smoother.. after training, i met up with yl.. didn hav duty, no more psfs anyway.. so we went to take a look, support too. its a sji event anyway, it matters alot to a certain extent.. the fires blazed through from e top & came together in the middle.. the campfire was on.. it was when yl and i decided to see everything from up above.. sji songs were sung.. campfire songs were sung, sec 1 items were done fantastically.. and it was then tht i saw, tht green-white combination of the sec 1s in pe attire & the psls in their green tee and white slacks.. clappin and cheerin in unison.. the smiles on everyone faces brighter than the campfire itself, and the parents noddin their head in agreement.. now at the top, its nt ugly anymore.. its beautiful.. yl told me. definitely. i smiled to him.

its like my trainings now, its gettin more beautiful every day.. when i finally know wad's required and when i finally understand the true magnitude of my existence, and the strength tht i needa muster to bring about a beautiful outcome, a near-perfect ending. and its e small decision tht i make everyday, together with tht support from my buddies, plus a tinge of enthusiasm, knowin tht e fire will keep burning till i passed over to e nxt leader, tht i will see to it , tht on top, i want to see a beautiful reflection of me.

2006-01-17T18:38:00.000+08:00

my life as an art student.. ended jus like tht. no more canvas, no more paintbrushes, or rather paintbrushes to wash.. no more paints on my clothes, no more stayin back on tuesdays and be merry bout it.. no more slackin in the art studio usin my handphone. i went into e art studio be4 she came & i noe its jus nt right when i had to catch some sleep, when my whole soul was goin rockbottom even though its art.. i jus knew i had more pressing issues to settle, judgin by tht fatigue so obviously displayed.. i didn noe how i did it, how i started thinkin bout quitting, i jus went thr and told mrs tan bout how i felt.. nxt thing i knew, i packed my bag and left the art studio with e 5 art students left..

i knew it would be better for me, nt havin to stay back on tuesday, not havin to brainstorm for 2 or 3 months for some futile ideas and then do e actual painting.. i know i will definitely hav a higher chance of screwing up my o's.. and lookin at how things goes now, i will have to drop.. i reflected.. asked myself several times.. i didn lose my passion for art.. i mean who would "not like" art.. its jus tht it might be at the wrong time tht i am involved with it.. the style's totally different from lower sec too.. no more crappin and doin new, hands-on things and be happy bout it.. its pretty dead with all the researches and plannings to do now. furthermore, thr'snt any input now.. its u and ur canvas and mrs tan's comments.. the enjoyment's jus not thr anymore.. i chose to do art in e very beginning coz i might learn something.. i did.. at least i moved up from whr it all started last time.. and i will continue explore at my own time, own leisure.. its jus nt e right time now with all the other demanding commitments along the way..

i really wanna thank mrs tan, for imparting in me so many new stuffs.. she had been thr for me since day 1 in art.. and i really did learn so many ways of expressing myself.. i hope u understand too, the position i am at now.. needa apologise, jus leaving like tht, jus meant something bout me. but i will promise myself and mayb her too, tht i will put in e spirit to my other commitments and subjects.. its really time to get it going again, no matter how lagged behind i am right now.. no matter how many hw still left undone.. how little sleep i am gettin everyday..

it gave me one more reason to put myself more into ncc too.. somehow i can feel i am workin towards it too.. and mayb its because of tht tht i am laggin in my studies too.. i really need some time off. right now, even if its jus 2 weeks.. i needa get things right.. before things go out of hand.

i will believe in wad i have chosen, and nv regret. it might be rushed, bt i know it will do me alittle good.. at least i hav one thing out of e million things off my head now. hang in thr alittle longer kc.

2006-01-11T18:17:00.000+08:00

woah... 1 week hav past since sch reopened. i thought it was 3 months already! mayb more. i dunno, and i cant care how long.. its jus pure bullshit if u wanna compare 3months to 1week when 1week is 1week.. so 1week it is. am i still alive? ofcourse, hanging onto a string tht's always thr for me.. it's very bad, bt not total downfall too.. if it's total avalanche, u will see me on e newspaper yea. so the good news, we are full-fledged sec4s, got my prefect tie (comes with duty tht are jus plain boring), yea, & ncc jus got alot more fun..as in real "fun".. its like my full-time job now, & 24/7 at tht too.. its really total hell, everyday would definitely hav a decision to make, tht will scar me for life, put in a better word, will affect me one way or another forever la..

well.. gt some changes with my teachers too, no more gary sim for physics! tht's total crap.. did he pull me up to ge top last year in class? i wonder.. bt he sure motivate me alot! now i got mr hcin, my sec 1 physics teacher.. should hav more exp, h.o.d & everything.. & he loves to crap..("what do u see on a STRAWBERRY field? STRAWBERRIES!... what do u see on a football field? grass? NOO!!! FOOTBALL!" and "when i was a josephian at ur age...") with tht funny "NOOOOO!" from him.. and wad's cool bout him, the moment the bell rings, he walked out so fast, we all were stunned.. like some sec1 running for recess.. then there were mrs ang and tan.. geog and maths.. mrs ang was a real good strategist.. really nice planner.. and mrs tan, was v much like mr chin.. (1/v.small is 1= v.BIG! and -1-1 = MINUS two!!) differentiation jus hav a totally new meaning.. but yea, i am nt complaining, they are really specialised teachers.. really good indeed.. plus tht 1.20pm dismissal on tues,weds,thurs, i am happy once again, jus dun remind me bout my sitting place.. tht stupid corner last window seat, looking OUT into the annex..and having people in the annex lookin back at me.. no fresh air could come in!! ok enough bout all this..

well, tht's my sec4 life now..already at e 2nd week of jan.. i jus feel tht a month is really a v short amount of time.. no matter how u enjoy urself, how u command like mad, how u joke with ur friend, "yes xav" and how u cry urself stupid trying to prove a point, the end result will come.. wadever we do, we get e crops back home.. one day. real fast. damn fast.

2005-12-30T21:22:00.000+08:00

few more days to another year, year 2006.. this coming year seems extraordinarily unique to me, wad's gonna happen in tht comin year are mostly if not all inputted into my mind somehow.. its like i know wad's gonna happen & somehow i think its gonna be real short. upcomin company camp, celebrations for centennial ncc.. the time i hafta step down, the concerts we gonna hav.. then e prelims and the much awaited o's. of course, we know wad's coming, but the actual experience will hav to come with time, and i really cant wait somehow to be back in sji again.

the many previous years, i think i didn really care so much bout the nxt year, its jus another year yea, its still life all the same.. like from sec 2 to sec 3, all i cared was wad friends i am gonna make.. or "i am gonna wear long pants!" well, all this thing hav to settle down and more impt things hav to take over. tht 3 years in sji definitely wasnt wasted, they are all tied in together, and prepares me mentally for e fourth year. is it better to wonder bout the nxt year, or leave the unknown alone till we finally reach it.. thr's always the two side thing, but neither are right or wrong.. lots of things dun hav model answers.. i will take e chance, knowing wad's coming might b useful in the end, even if it makes me so tense right from e start..

all this thing kept bashin thru my head, why? it didn jus came out from my head, its usually influence from others yea.. if not, i will be still thinking "wad time i should be wakin up first day of school".. from the very beginning of sec sch life, parents and everyone gone thru sec sch would tell u how damn impt it is, and i would take them for granted after e first few days of sec sch life.. coz "u know better since u hav tht experience now too". i think many students were like tht too, i hope.. haha.. then till e very last mins everyone panics, tht's human instinct.. its not right or wrong.. for me, jovian started tokin to me in msn.. first thing he asked me, "are u prepared for next year?" and wad's after made me feel really worried.. isit really tht difficult.. only they know, and hearing it from my ex-csm, its like direct assault.. i might freak out and die, i might lose my post and sulk, i might hide like a tortoise,or i might stand up and whack everythin in my way like some hero.. now i know, its not easy preparing urself and knowing wad's coming.. its not all bout tht, cos tht's only knowing half e battle.. anything can happen, and tht's life.. wad's surprises and shocks if u know wad's coming.. would ur life be exciting.. it will be dead boring, knowin everythin tht's coming.. its for us to get the feel of success & failure left alone.. can we control fate, or should we accept fate? or isn't everything tht come by fate? so wad's conclusion here, mayb some things r for us to know, while some things r for us to feel..

2005-12-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

its the day before the actual sec 1 reporting day..& i had to be there for my juniors who are helpin out in arranging all the papers and misc. for the new sec 1 coming in.. its all papers, papers, and more papers.. yea, but this day was really kinda meaningful to me, so many things went thru my mind as the day went by..

one thing was realizin tht we are actually gonna b the seniors of the sch nxt year.. sec 4s & at e last sprint in sji.. lookin at my juniors, some sec 1s and 2s.. i thought i would hav a lot of time with them, and here comes the nxt batch of sec 1s already.. i still remembered e good old days when i couldnt be bothered by anything but 103, when i dun even know wad a csm was and didnt really care either. the steps to discoverin myself & my potential, slowly but surely.. everythin in sji.. i could take a step back and write a novel bout my life as a josephian.. those sec1s comin in are really gonna hav the ride of their lives here.. not asif its only sec1s josephians la.. but since i am already gonna be a full 3rd year josephian, i can bet with u tht..

yea, then i had a fair time of reflectin bout e time i actually first step into sji.. tht time when i had this mixed feelin for sji, tht mentality tht sji really's not for me.. when i thought i will b goin to another sch and i ended up in sji.. i rmbred the time i had to draw tht stupid shoe & hand and thought it was a waste of time...and now i am takin olvl art.. it is all so cool thinkin bout it now..

bt wad really affected me most was havin another experience bout how a person can do something tht can really affect everyone around him.. i was given e opportunity to plan almost everythin for e nxt day's sec 1 reportin day.. to put up small notices everywhr round e sch tht would really mean nothing when only one notice stands alone.. but with all e combined notices, u can really tell others something bout how we organize stuff.. esp e parents.. in e beginning it was slow.. lookin at my juniors do e stacks of papers.. bt e moment i joined in, i couldnt stop.. i jus felt tht since i was thr, why not make the best of everything.. & then time started moving so much faster.. knowin tht u are doin somethin for others really could make u feel proud of urself.. even small actions like putting up e notices.. u noe tht somewhr somehow, someone will appreciate it, someone will actually look at it.. & when parents really looked at them even today, and asked lots of qns, i was really kinda touched la.. lol.. even how e queues gonna be formed up for e sales of e uniforms and everything else had to be chosen carefully..all these things tht we all take for granted.. this was e first time i had to make some decisions, tht sounded really easy but very impt.. its no more followin orders but settin up e orders urself & expect everyone to abide by it.. all in e interview room & e conference room.. it is definitely one of the first few decisions i had to make.. lots gonna come i think.. with the right state of mind, i really wanna enjoy every moment of it.. servin e sch.. & more imptly knowin tht wad u do makes a difference. cip hrs is definitely zero value compared to this.

got back home, supposedly at 1 or 2, but i left e sch at 5.. coz there were jus so much to do, things tht we took for granted, like pasting e groups on e canteen table >.<... if everyone wanna do somethin big, wad will happen to these small matters.. & when small matters are accumulated, u know u did hell lotta stuff. i was satisfied.. it was definitely a good 7 hours.. haha.. i i got bac home with jus a meagre amounts of papercuts, a whole lotta past being relooked again.. i miss e good old days.. its gonna be e end of my life in sji soon..

2005-12-20T16:05:00.000+08:00

sometimes a day may not be all tht eventful. sometimes it can be dead boring, sometimes u sleep thru one whole day, & yes, sometimes its a waiting day, waiting for another moment to come, a period of time when u feel nothing seem better than the next day. like the day before AP, mayb oso b4 u head somewhr overseas. i rmbred telling myself when i was alittle younger.. mayb a few months ago, tht everyday mus be packed with objectives and i mus keep myself real busy to really achieve something.. mayb tht were some really good spirit and enthusiasm in me, but i really felt fatigued, didnt really feel all tht satisfied anyway..

i went to sch today. after a long time.. i wanted to start designing tht ncc noticeboard tht was left undone since the hols began.. grabbed a few ppl incharge of e noticeboard to do it today. guess what.. only me & acsm yangjun was thr.. we did what two men can do.. jus making it alittle more beautiful.. eye-catching. and yes, it was monotonous, very uncommunicative. coz i nv could really get along with yangjun.. but i still respect him all e same.. we are all here to do our jobs.. met jh too doin his exco meetings.. we are already bac with our commitments be4 the sch starts..zzz. yes.. and jus bout 2 hours or so, i was on e way bac again.. its definitely a "not-so-eventful" day.. and one might called it a waste of time.. i could hav done more than jus the ro mayb.. but yea, its like i am more to myself on e journey to sch and back, as in i was alone..but i thought alot along e way, mayb a good thing.. its e 1st time i didn sleep on e 132 long bus ride from sji to amk. with noone by my side mayb crappin and anything else.. and as i got bac, my dad was still asleep.. very boring day indeed, but life can definitely be this way sometimes.. imagine everyday is like a day of AP.. i will defiinitely die of exhaustion.. mayb some days are meant for us to be like tht.. to think more than u do..u repair e internal rather than u build more external.. its kinda cool thinkin bout tht in e end, tht some days are dead boring, but they are nv a waste of time..

this sickness is takin extraordinary long.. from fever and flu it changed to coughin and its irritating everyone..my immune system definitely down & i cant do much anymore..jus gotta b patient.

2005-12-18T22:04:00.000+08:00

somehow, i went to 2 of my best buddies' houses, all in 2 days.. okay tht sounds normal.. but its like i haven been much in contact with them till now.. and its back-to-back.. so.. my eyes were bombarded with kingkong, then some outrun2, and then bac at yl's with e x-box all thru e night.. the early morning.. then to xd's for more x-box.. & i finally gt my dog tag bac.. well.. wad did i get in return after 2 days of bonding, i gt massive flu & fever, with tht irritatin sore throat.. its e norm too.. bt it had been long since e last time & its really terrible, wasnt much into talkin and everything seem boring.. somehow, i find this sudden sickness jus reminds me of how fragile everyone can b la.. and we always take things for granted.. its kinda cool to fall sick now.. tellin me i am not superman.. lookin at e bright side, i gt more time to reflect thru everything nice, everything crappy.

kingkong was fantastic.. except for all the dumb bronchios banging one other.. its 5 mins of massive bodies.. its wad's left of kingkong in my mind now.. u say kingkong, i think of tht.. and tht stupid trex's jaws.. cant imagine thr's actually humour from this kinda show. bt its cool all the same.. the graphics were amazing.. yea.. i was always thinking tht peter jackson used some of his lotr's props.. someof them really looked like.. its definitely worth it, its 3 hrs damn it..wad more can u ask..

being sick really affect ur performance.. i cant make sense of anythin like i used to..at least more sense from this crappy mind.. its discomfort all the way.. it will end soon enough, nt gonna let it spoil wad's left of my hols..

2005-12-16T01:39:00.000+08:00

sometimes i will jus feel bored.. like now.. its like neither here nor there.. not really too late but not early at all.. everything seemed so perfect, its the hols and i am very much enjoying myself after the camps, but thr's so many things undone.. then thr's still e stupid ncc politics long forgotten.. i cant decide on anything to start looking forward too, plus the o's round e corner and while i am thinking, time passes all the same.. sometimes i really wonder, whether i am wasting lots of time jus doin things tht are not very relevant.. but isn't tht life, u sometimes hav to lie low and jus relax? but how long more can i do tht? it might be weird to think bout all these now, but it jus crosses my mind..

as i was gettin back from causeway point, i saw small kids everywhere. in the train, along the streets.. they were all smiling, very much all the time.. and everything was amazing to them.. looking at them gaze out e windows of e mrt and lookin so awed by everything tht passed by.. then i saw some playing in the playground, with nothing in their mind but gettin to their friends.. then there were those nosey ones askin their parents bout everything they see.. they got me thinking bout my childhood last time too, the time i played endlessly and have nothing much in my mind but fun.. the many times i cried just becoz i couldnt get what i wanted.. those were the days.. the days when i dun hav to care bout anything in the world but myself..it had long gone i think, like everyone else close to me now.. we are all driven by commitments and its no more bout fun.. those kids will know this one day too, that they too had to get out of their comfort zones and do things no one liked.. and then u start questioning bout whether u really do fulfill ur life.. well, sometimes u gonna see life the hard way i think.. tht's how we stand up and learn to adapt to circumstances, tht's when we really grow up.. or in the process of growin up.. its painful sometimes, yup? well.. i miss those days, when its nothing but me and playing..

2005-12-13T23:10:00.000+08:00

went out yesterday.. one more skill to look forward too, we decided rollerblading. i tried it once, with darren but it wasnt really successful. anyhow, yl, jh, darren, yx, cherry & her friend, gt together and we thought it will b another day i fulfill part of wad i wanted to in life..to try out everything & be satisfied..

well, destination kallang.. construction site. no blading facilities at all. and we started pointing fingers at darren, who chose tht place... haha. well.. at least he chose to bring us there, making some effort to gather a few friends together with e aim of letting everyone enjoy.. its tough doin tht sometimes. and we didn really exactly got pissed, did we.. its oso endearin to be "lost" together and then let emotions take over, & try makin others feel more comfortable.. kinda like test our friendship in some way.

so we had to hav a contingency plan but cherry & her friend had to move off, mayb nxt time then.. we head on to suntec & decided to catch aeon flux, show i wanted to watch since i first caught e cool suit.. definitely meaningful plus its action.. walked around, & then i learnt how to drift somehow in tht yl's game..lol.. well, i learnt something didn i?

not everythin went smoothly though, darren lost his bag.. jh knocked his head, me and yl "argued".. haha, not really but definitely letting things out..we feel better after tht..

last few hours were spent in esplanade, at e roof where we jus get together and tok.. i got back at 10plus. legs a little aching, heart a whole lot warmer.

jus a simple day. with all my friends. i realized it doesnt necessary mean pickin up new skills tht would be crucial.. its definitely satisfying, but being thr with ur friends, simple day out.. its bout being happy & making everyone around u shine too tht really matter. its like why pick up skills, if no one appreciates? if no one cares?

2005-12-11T12:44:00.000+08:00

another thing in camp pin, was the many ppl tht i knew, from e ipoh trip, from previous ssc, spec course, camp feast.. but what struck me the most was seein my pri sch friends again.. jan was in my platoon and yj, jus a platoon beside mine.. and some other familiar faces..

it has been 3 years, and its really cool to know tht ppl who had once been part of ur life, shared part of ur memories, once influenced you one way or another.. to see them once again, sharing the same moment in the camp, like how we used to in sch last time.. and what's cooler was tht we talked like no strangers, we jus started easily.. and it built on..

mayb this's wad they call fate or something, tht we are predestined to meet up somehow, to relive our memory and let me write bout it down here.. but i would think tht its becoz of our own actions, our choices of ncc.. its becoz of the amount of effort we put in, the time we strives tht brought us to camp pin.. & seeing them again.. well, this oso reminds me not to forget my pri sch friends, they are whom tht brought me up till today.. definitely cherish them better, yup?

2005-12-09T22:39:00.000+08:00

camp pinnacle. just a little experience gained compared to what was inputted inside me after 5 days.

at first i thought it will be a "back-to-back" elite of the elites in ncc, all the csms and asms battling out to see who's better. i thought too much. even though "pinnacle" meant the top, the best. well, its when the best get together to be even better.

a little experience was e C130 cargo plane flight, e SAR21 life range, some boat tht the NDU uses that goes really fast and so much better than a roller coaster..up the RSS Endurance to visit everything matters in a ship.. there were whole lot of talks by e different forces of the defence force in sg. the displays of all the weapons & tht short visit to e parliament house.

it was kinda enriching if u ask me. doin everything sea,land,air. things i would nv hav thought of even lookin at.. then we, central cadets, hafta book-out everyday coz thr's lack of space for everyone in hq.. so it began, and soon i found out i dun hafta diam all the way, i found out i dun hafta shout.. even my clts slacked around.. & e waiting time was "intriguing".. it became boring..

but no, like all camps, its e people who make the camp, they said..like i said, the programmes were jus little experience.. and this camp really prove to me tht point.. we were told we are elites in ncc, but we are actually normal ppl, like everyone else, discovering bout one self and one other's potentials, given the chance to make miracles happen.. and it's my platoonmates tht really make this camp..every waiting time was backed up with songs, stupid, lame, but all the more impactful.. these are the ppl who make things happen, who make do with what they hav and it was quite inspiring to think it this way.. not long after, i made friends.. lots of them, and everyone had quite a fun 5 days.. even though we are csms of our own respective units, i saw them a mirror of myself.. ppl who still got tht.. lets say "emotions", coz "csm" was always a very serious word..

through camp pin, i got to know lots of their capabilities too, i know now where sji stands.. it doesnt really mean top units, units with long history and lots of awards tht makes the difference.. doesnt mean tht prefect drills and physical conditions tht rule e others.. its the people. its their actions, small or big indifferent, tht really matters for the company.. its time i pass my passion to my juniors now, and to all the fellow csms, good luck to u all too.. we can do it together..

the badge, is nothing but a reminder, reminder tht i hav a part to play.. in life.

2005-12-04T21:02:00.000+08:00

ssc was over. jus like tht. i got my lanyard, symbol of a UDI, and my staff sergeant rank. and yes, 3 days ended, alittle tests along the way, and many more talks, jus like tht.. i was kinda pleased, thr were minimum fatigue..

but thr were lessons to pick up along the way. esp from the platoonmates tht were suffering together with me for e 3 days.. from them, i can gauge how far sji ncc hav gone till, & which sch is very up to the standard too.. but it doesntt really matter, we are all still students, vying for education.. i made lots of friends, especially e csm/usm of other schools.. and got to know many diff. characters all over singapore.. i didnt really learn much from the course, but it reminded me bout who i am, and what i should do.. constant reminders are really very impt sometimes..

then my platoon commander was s/clt thinesh, i remembered him in my sch last time as a clt when i was sec 2.. he's also a josephian and its really cool to hav another josephian, passing on e passion even in ncc.. even though there mus be a line drawn between cadets and clt, i found tht thr's a certain bondage tht we shared la.. how i asked him bout whether i do well in the tests, and how he winked bac at me.. when he's not supposed to reveal anything.. haha

basically, its nothing much gained, but its not really a waste of time too.. i represent my sch, and i did wad i am supposed to do, to pass out as a staff sergeant.. i cant ask for anything more.. and tht's life sometimes.. we cant always get wad we want no matter how much we put in.. jus know tht i hav done my best, and i am thr for a reason.. be satisfied with wad u hav.. cos life's short, & we might not be in time to be satisfied be4 all is over..

2005-11-30T23:01:00.000+08:00

60 plus more mins and its december. i thought i just had my hols started yesterday, around the end of oct. and bam. it's dec alr. and i will start the month of dec with a course and a camp, back to back.its 8 days of action, 9 days of commitment. and as i am blogging, seconds are ticking away..

well, i still hafta face everything tht comes my way no matter how.. its bout believing in urself, and know u can go through it. and in the end, there will be a story in u tht will last u a lifetime. hopefully. 8 days? i better make my life worth thr.. so i am goin there with an aim. to look forward to the hols after tht, and to cherish my time more.

i made it sound so easy.. but nobody knows the crap that i am goin through.. very much sympathise only.. even my mom.. haha, so this entry, is very much bout jovian, my ex-csm.. sometimes its kinda cool to really hav someone whom had gone thru wad i had more or less exactly, giving you some pulling up along the way.. its hard to hav a person tht gone thru exactly like you did, so comes the different friends we got.. the different ppl we can relate to in different situations.. and its really cool to hav them around.. esp. when u are down.. i thank all you buds out thr.. haha..

well, i still cant escape reality this way.. from the moment i became csm, the letter c.s.m hav been burnt into me permanently.. its not so much bout regrettin, and its not bout the big load i hafta carry all the time now.. its bout acceptin the fact, and move on and do wadever test me.. and in the end, i will hav a story, my own unique story for my kids and everyone else. and it will be a different story, no matter how boring, how extravagant, its different from everyone.

its called my life.

2005-11-29T03:39:00.000+08:00

time continued past midnight, its another day already. i always thought it was e previous day. i grew bored. and blogging kept me occupied. at least for like few mins? better than nothing.

i remembered tellin myself, anything we do, its gonna affect ppl around u, especially ppl dear to u.

then its bout making choices, big or small, and not regretting bout them.. now i see them going in conflict towards one another.

then, thr's everyone make mistakes, wad's impt is learning from it, and get a move on.

well, combined all of them together, u get wad my head is full of now..

somehow, a problem arised. i was the one the problem was being transfered to. only me. and i thought asking someone else could make solving easier. but it was very clearly written "only kc". isnt it cheating, isnt it breaching of trust when i ask others bout it? well, i didnt think tht way earlier. its bout choices isnt it. i asked my friend. its not bout right or wrong. its jus bout solving it. i jus want things back to normal. no more prob. but tht problem gave in to another problem, coz words spread. the problem about breaching the trust, about me not being respectful of the "rule".

all i want now, is to undo both problem. actually even just back to one problem. i noe it will not be the same again. our fate had been altered alittle. wad hav i done?! it was still good. i wanted to at least admit, but it leaked be4 i can do it.. i cant point fingers.

then i thought. why not use the 3 "philosophies" to solve this prob now. i will do what is right now, i will mend the heart now. and it WILL affect ppl around me. i will make the RIGHT choices now. no more regretting. its bout depositing in the emotional bankaccount. no more withdrawal. the thing we learn in sch. and this is a mistake well learnt. it will be kept with me forever. and i will go on with it. nv look back.

sorry.

2005-11-29T00:48:00.000+08:00

i stepped onto the ice for e first time, fell on my knees, then picked myself up again. Got myself moving, it was slow, then it picked up speed. but i fell again. One more time i said... over and over again.

and i got back, a new skill imbued upon me. everyday, we pick up new stuff. whether we choose to do it or shun from it. i am glad i took the first step. this time around. and falling jus make it much more satisfying. i am gonna continue learning every new thing tht come my way, i will try at least. then at least thr's another purpose in life. at least thr's an aim.

2005-11-26T14:55:00.000+08:00

alright, this is for yl, u blog, i blog, buddy..

life's the usual, havent had a breather yet.. its always off and on.. i jus need it to be off for mayb a week.. wasn't so though, every week nv fails to hav some work to be done.. not like i hate my life now though.. its cool, i got to learn myself better all the more.. but sometimes it jus puts you off.. the hols started around middle of oct i rmb? and its alr end of nov now.. i need my rejuvenation..

lots of things went and past by, whitewater rafting, specs "retreat", info day... i still hav my ssc and camp pinnacle.. not like i didn enjoy myself la.. esp. the whitewater rafting, it was cool, i will nv forget the time thr.

yea, sometimes its jus better to stay at home, feels the comfort of home, the times spent with ur family.. those are the moments i could really think bout myself, reflect and everything.. like wad jian hao asked me to do.. lol.. yea, i got more worked up actually, thinkin bout havin to start art and bout the carnival thing.. damn.. i need a break..

2005-11-09T15:45:00.000+08:00

We all played the game.

The game where we close our eyes, cross your arms, let loose and fall, deliberately, and your friends, teammates catches you.. it became boring after many times. during discussions, all we gave was "model answers": teamwork, communication, friendship, caring one another, overcoming your fears..

It just gave me a new meaning altogether, from somewhere i read, "You closed your eyes. That was the difference. Sometimes you cannot believe what you see, you have to believe what you feel. And if you are ever going to have other people trust you, you must feel that you can trust them too, even when you're in the dark. Even when you're falling."

its bout teamwork, and a little more. its about how we support each other, regardless of any opposing factor, its about how we can be the help as we can also be the helpless. cause life's not always easy, everyone will fall once, everyone will fall again. and again. but we still have, .. us.

i am falling now, i can feel it. its the time i am going down again, but i know. my friends are always there.

2005-11-01T14:13:00.000+08:00

i thought i would nv step onto the kluang campsite grounds anymore in my life, the place whr i spent 4 wonderful days with my 203 classmates, force "V.S". Then came the chance of being an ace leader came about.. Well at first i was reluctant, without my close friends around, its all about doin my job, and doin my job well.. its not about enjoyin anymore, its bout being there for a motive, being there for others..

The force i was with now was M.O.G, class 210 with Mr Soo.. Immediately i started doin wad is expected of an ace leader. The going was tough, but i couldnt say i nv enjoyed myself..

Down there, ALL the memories juz came back more alive than ever..

the hill we run up and down everyday to assemble,

the tentages tht we kept on complaining about the leakages,

the water bottles that we just loved exchanging, and exchanging,

tht muddy two lakes that we always walked past when we go for activities,

the coloured discs which we had to find for orienteering,

Gunung Lembak, whr we kept moving persistently up to the top, with continuous encouragement for everyone,

the time we had to clean the stupid washing area,

the washing itself with the many "wonderful" flies,

the flies tht love to accompany us for lunch and dinner,

the garbage bag tht we laid in the tent to prevent leakages,

the beautiful night sky filled with countless stars,

THAT instructor for abseiling whom we will not forget

tht funny campfire item, screwed up but just so perfect.

i saw these snapshots again and again, i rmbred my ace leaders not doin much for us too, and i thought i would leave them at tht too.. u leave them alone, they will discover more with their peers, give them more space to slowly learn more.. only during reflections time did i actually spend my time crapping, and i feel i really did my job, to pass down what i had learnt so far to them.. i was able to move on further and even told a story to them, even toking more than wad's required of me. its over now, and i am glad.

* i learnt some nice basic magic from Mr Soo too.. being back there wasnt so bad after all..

2005-10-24T22:00:00.000+08:00

things just come and go, first u are anticipating for its arrival, nxt its all over.. these 4 days of home alone experience really taught me lots of stuff. it may not mean anythin much to lots of ppl, ppl who had seriously longer time alone than me.. yet, this is the only time i got to survive on my own.. got to cook for myself, well, very much just noodles.. nv grew tired of them though.. prepare my own stuff, esp. my uniform for school and everythin else.. well, its not really 4 days since saturday i gotta bunk in xd's house and sunday we got to watch skeleton key with grace & co. Finally got to know how grace really look like. yea, enough said bout tht.

the first statement really meant my life for these 4 days, first with the last training of the year and today's thanksgiving ceremony all wrapped up with me alone at home.. it was cool to be alone at home, but its will not be better any longer, u feel the boredom screwed into u.. but i noticed something, its like my whole family, even though separated, across seas, dad working and me minding my own business, we are still very much connected, with this invisible strings attached to everyone of us.. its like we still hav each other in mind time to time, it really doesnt mean anythin much, but it was juz cool to realise that.. well, alone at home makes me think alot.. even my grandmother cared bout me so much, with her calling so many times at night, askin me bout my dinner and basically asking how i am.. yea, got to tok to her for quite some time..

and when i thought i can start tokin bout their hols and everything tht we hav missed, i have to go to some ace camp as an ace leader, facilitating.. at first we all wanted to go together, yl and xd.. i dunno wad happened, i dunno why, but in the end i was left with myself.. yet, the shit tht i had gotten into, i hav to clear it somehow.. wad's a camp when the ppl there are hardly close to u at all.. well, i cant complain, the other side of me jus wanna serve the sch, juz wanna get the points and everything.. i jus have to get thru it somehow, whether i like it or not, bag's already packed, wad can i do yea? ( i cant do my best if i dun enjoy it though.. haiz..)

just hope tht my mom and my sis get back tmr very much happier ppl, they must really enjoy alot with all the shopping in hong kong.. cant wait to know bout their journey, but i still hav a obstacle, a commitment of 4 days to overcome be4 i can do tht, and it just doesnt feel nice leaving when they are comin back.. after the camp, i seriously needa spend more time with my family and friends..they matter more than anythin else.

*sis, if u see this, tell mum bout it.. lol.. (i go bored alone here, but its first-hand experience so yea, very worth tokin bout it.)

2005-10-18T21:30:00.000+08:00

well, my roller coaster jus shifted downwards out of a sudden, obviously bringin bout fear and everythin else.. thought it will be smooth-sailing after the exams.. this was so unexpected.. just came back from obs and things juz came rushin in from all directions like how the rollercoaster suddenly changed it course. ncc trainings will stopped after this week, very much after i discussed with chu xian.. i thought it will go on for mayb 3 more weeks? and then bam! sch hols nxt week and olevels starts nxt week too.. most probably cant hav training in sch then.. well, the bad thing is martin and zul, both first i/cs for part b and c are ace leaders for e first camp, which is from friday to monday, and this meant tht they cant attend the final training of the year.. half of the part cs will be in ace camp too.. What to do?!?! it will be such a nice screwed-up last training of the year. and i noe zul and martin surely want to tok to them for e "last time". Part of me juz wants to let it flow through..

tht one was actually one whole long saga, what's with the planning, and discussion with ocx that coz my phone to go empty on fuel for the first time and everything, luckily someone invented "summary". now i would juz need the sir to permit this last minute changes.

so i thought one problem was corrected, then came another.. after being called to be an ace leader, i was of course excited and i thought changing from camp 1 to camp 2 was a brilliant idea, since i will be able to attend the last training, and havin a first time experience of home alone with my mum and sis goin hol.. and oso hopefully able to march into the hall in my no.1 durin the march-in and receivin my nyaa bronze award on stage..

then came another "catastrophe", camp 2 is on tuesday to friday nxt week, and xd's birthday party is on the thursday!! DAMN!! i feel bad juz thinkin bout it again.. well, of coz he will say there's no choice, but i juz put some other "bullshit" (mind my language) commitment infronta friendship..and xd didn wanna go ace camp becoz he wanna plan for his party, shouldnt i like join him... but anyhow, i really feel like shit now thinkin bout so many stuff.. a break must come fast, all the big plannings and obstacles to overcome for only a week and a half.. is it worth it.. and will this juz keep continuing all thru nxt year.. i better be prepared for the onslaught..

jov once told me, being a csm or juz being a person tht requires makin decisions, it doesnt always come out good, perfect, foolproof.. there are times when ppl will definitely not like, conflicts will surely be present.. Yet, what i have decided, what i think is the best for everyone, everything, i have to stick with it, and see the end to it, no matter how the outcome.. becoz those are my decision, i will hav to hold full responsibility.. sorry xd, zul, martin.

2005-10-16T13:00:00.000+08:00

i came back from a 5-day course of obs on the 14th, a little tanned and probably a little hungry, craving for some home-cooked food after 5 days of "almost dry" ration with a little twist of instant noodle tht was overly cooked. Secluded with my classmates, ncc partmates, friends, buddies in the otherwise dull, empty pulau ubin, i really gained quite a number of experiences and memories in my journey of discovering myself, it may prove to be for a lifetime, one never knows.

well, obs would obviously be an outdoor survival camping stuff that definitely test you physically, with the treks of more than 3hrs with the haversack packed with rations & the kayaking tht lasted the whole round of pulau ubin, a whole thursday at sea.. yet, other than tht, obs would surely meant a different thing in each and everyone's mind. Some would see it as a challenge, to better his best, not only physically. Some want to achieve things tht they never could have done in the comfort zone of his house. Some want to bond with his friends, squeezing inside a tent or sitting by the jetty holding torchlights in the middle of the night, spillin out heartfelt stuff or otherwise jokes and lame matters. Some just want to relax after the painful trials of examinations. Everyone would have their own reasons, own agenda towards obs, and there are just countless.

Me? I would say everything that i have stated above and one more, and i could only said this after i had gone through it. That is, obs really serves as a "wrap-up" of my secondary 3 hasty life of so many discoveries and lessons that i had gained throughout the year. It is just right for obs to be during my sec 3 year, coz it is the year tht i hav discovered so much of myself that there are things surely forgotten along the way. Yet, obs helped me once more to relive them, acting like a finale and a reminder of who am i and what am i to do in this world. i can almost say tht obs is like lltc with a different touch, that is its outdoor style. Neither is better than the other, but both did the same thing to me, tht is to reiterate what is in me. As much as i had said, obs could also be a transition point, or safety net for me to fall back on and reflect through the year. Yet, it is time to move on already as more things are left for me to discover and apprehend. i had commited myself in obs to lead my cca, well, to the best tht i can.. The rest, is for you to ponder about..

Thanks Junko, watch.
Jon, instructor.
And the people who make the camp what it is. The people, ourselves, that creates the sparks and excitements to the camp.

2005-10-06T14:53:00.000+08:00

well, the exams are over finally, actually left with half a canvas, no half a wood left to paint. but e tough times are over.. no matter how badly i had gone thru, i left all e emo back in sch already, the anger, frustration, everything else, and i nv feel so light-headed be4. :D Anyway, seems lik juz yesterday i was still mugging terribly, feeling e signs of weakness, twitchin of e eyes, whatever.. lets juz forget bout all those papers, i had told myself, i dun really care how bad or good i had gone thru, juz tht i HAD gone thru them already. finish, end of story.

SO, i dunno where to start now.. back to my boring old life, hanging out with my buddies, old ncc parliament politics shit, and many so "fun" camps, tht when i return home, i become a more boring person.. still, life goes on, and everyday new things are left for us to discover, i juz cant wait to settle down properly once again, get bac to my old shit of a slacker couch potato i am, couch more to e com than e tv. i am reliving e things i hav left untouched since e war began.. still, i dun really feel so enthu like i used to last time when e papers end, the times we go bout shouting & screamin in class when e last paper ends, my last paper, geog paper 1 juz ends with everyone yawning, with fatigue in their eyes, and what's left of their strength produced wad little sounds of victory they can muster. i juz sat thr with my head on the table, with tht sense of satisfaction deep within me i hav to dig it out unwillingly..

Seriously, i dunno whr to begin, but it's all happening already, after e geog paper, i already gone out with xd & yl, watch movies e usual, and got to xd house to crack our wits in some co-op splinter cell action, really test our teamwork there.. test my tiredness too, i cant open my eyes properly now, i even break my promise to mrs tan tht i will work on my art today.. skip goin to sch, i juz wanna decay at home.. told yea, bac to e slacker i am.. woohoo..

now other students havin their exams, all i can say is good luck, now u will feel my shit too..muahaha, no kidding.. but take care too, it will soon be over, then we can go mad together.

obs nxt week, no comments, juz quickly come and let me finish it., or let it finish me.. either way, i cant wait for e fun to happen once more.. tht can only happen after obs, no, after e results are out.. oh no..

2005-10-02T00:20:00.000+08:00

bombs had been dropping like an everyday thing since last monday. two bombs per day, neverending.. some looked big and its effect must be massive, but i had been thru it, and was actually juz disguise. some i bagged them in.. easily, some of them nearly got in my way, but e silent killer came on friday, the day when already 8 bombs had affected me mentally & spiritually.. fatigue had already drivened me crazy and i thought the reward of two bombless days would be nice. so i came in, got all my equipments ready and i thought, "juz two bombs again, the usual, come serve it up.." but it came too fast, i thought i was prepared, i thought the bomb was small.. but u noe atomic bomb are small too.. another one in disguise..caught me right in my face, and i was more dead than ever.. my dream was gone, my luck was no more.. i juz broke my promise and i felt lousy.. the following bomb came later, my senses were haywired already and when it came, i juz wish this was all over, it hit one more time but i felt numb.. i nv felt so lousy, all my weeks of preparation to tackle them, all gone to waste becoz i overlooked on a small bomb which i thought i took extra care of... anyway. two bombless nights is already gonna be over and 4 bombs still awaits me.. its my choice to get bac into focus or let it rip me apart further.. now wad?

all i noe, i cant overlook anymore, everyone of them i will hav to destroy and to overcome like i had nv done be4. i will nv give way to fatigue, coz i noe after this onslaught, i will be guaranteed 2 months plus of bombfree days.. i dun wanna spoil those days.

2005-09-22T19:45:00.000+08:00

has it been 2 weeks already? no, 2 weeks and a day. so here i am, stealin some time to blog, like finally. alright, so updates bout my life. this 2 weeks hav been so "wonderful" tht i can like dozed off juz startin bout it.. its like yea, revision time and i actually am able to start full-time revision for this fortnight, for the first time in my life of schooling.. talk to me like 1 year back, and i will be crappin bout how well i had juz revised pg 1 of some crap txtbook, mayb 2 days be4 the fye.. rmb the times when i blog bout tryin my best this year & start preparin well and sometimes bout the uncertainty of even startin.. i actually done it, and tht repercussion is fatigue.. BUT it's worth it! havin this first-hand experience of actually mugging 24/7 with some of my classmates and alongside justin and xav.. the 1st and 2nd in my class and both of them sit beside me too, hoho.. and this 7th position guy juz goes around pickin things up from both of them..haha..

and yes, thru these mugging weeks, i did crazy things tht even i couldnt believe it's me, i studied with justin and sometimes darren and others in the tanglin cc's cafe, beurel, annex, outside annex e benches, and every little spot u can think bout till 8 plus pm, and then went bac home to "continue" till like 12plus, and e cycle juz goes on, even till now. mooncake festival & i can be seen studyin at my grandma's house when everyone was happily chattin.. i visited xav's house to mug on the floor, his "new" house with nothin inside. i did maths revision in chem lessons, physics papers in chinese lessons, then i read my a.maths txtbook like some nice novel, and wad's worse, in the toilet. and then tokin to xav in some maths language.. even xav is alittle different, he came to sch everyday with tht same look, with tht same "SJI A.Maths Past Year Paper" and sit beside me in class doing the questions, telling me he hav to finish all e questions.. its like, we really hav no choice. even though i had actually started mugging, i hardly had the time already..dad told me tht revision should be done all-year round.. well, there's a first in everything, and i am kinda proud tht i make the first move..

so last 5 days and the clock is ticklin endlessly, juz a few more pint of perseverance, a few more days of lack of emotions and expressions but only go into euphoria when i solve a trigo inequality, sure i can get past these things.. i still hav lots more to worry bout later the months.. i am gonna let out all the pressure inside soon, since e exams pressure inside me is like so much greater than the atmospheric pressure.. now the ox-bow lake formation is runnin thru my mind again & again.. there will be an end, like how a quadratic graph will always hav a minimum-maximum point.. (here i go again..) juz wondering why this transition is so unique this year round..(quote chuxian, "Ponder about it!") haha.. alright, blog again soon.

oh, sji juz got a whole lots of awards and somethin bout band 2, so much so tht tmr will be some affirmation day.. so we should like clap? coz thr's no sch tmr? but hey, the cycle still goes well, bac to muggin then.. But yup, congrats to my alma mater..

2005-09-06T21:17:00.000+08:00

every day i come into this blog, i tell myself i will write bout an event of certain significance, bout wad's happenin in my life, in sji and my buddies, but most of the time, i will succumb to writing bout the "whys" in my head.. And now, i am writing bout something else bout something else not relating to any events tht came by.. xD so now i try, to blog back into the past 2 weeks when i wanted to really blog bout some nice, some bad, some crap events tht took place.. esp when tht "someone" is hintin tht i nv blog anything nice.. (look at the tagboard..) haha, juz jk.. i juz wish i can balance them out, sometimes things goin in my head, sometimes things tht happen along the way, i juz hope tht i can, in the end, like i said be4, be more aware of wad's happening in my life, without wastin every second of it and regrettin not rmbring some minor, insignificant things tht might still come in aid as lessons tht will help us when we feel like failing..

anyway... back 2 weeks ago, tht faithful friday, when i thought all was good, the usual sch day but a slight brighter.. clearer, it's always like tht when i feel light,when i feel like i can accomplish something, yea i always do.. so the usual training in e afternoon, its the last be4 stepping down of cca, and the first uniform training after we took over.. i scheduled this uniform training for not much of a reason, juz tht it's the last training, and the last muster parade be4 the exams.. and i thought this training will be one hell of a training, best yet..

so cut this short, training started and everyone had their uniform ready, but the day juz got a little darker, they had some prelims for spa for the sec 4s in the labs, so we cant do opening parade in the parade square..oh wells, lets juz continue with the training.. this was the first time i doned my sash with my no.4, and it juz reaffirms me to be what i really am, and wad i really should do.. some things to settle in hq, juz some minor paperworks and it was done in like 5mins, and i felt somethin in my pocket. the notebook which i had carried it along a few days ago, jottin down wad important things and lessons tht i had to tell the sec 1 and 2 cadets on some trainings.. this last training should be most suitable to tok to them and tell them everything tht i needed to tell them.. tht book was always with me, when something juz caught me and when i juz feel like recording.. when i am bored,esp thru maths lessons, i will sketch on it.. and yea, leave it under the table when sch ends..

holding my pacestick, i went to the sec 1s first, gotta see how they drill in the track.. the part as were very good for part as, they know everything from enthusiasm to discipline yet they lack in communication and teamwork.. but i know they will grow closer as they move into the part b's life.. i joined in and drilled them alittle too.. hearin them callin me "encik", it was juz cool, with zul there, they will hav no prob... i will look into them more closely when time comes, as the duties of the csm, i added 2 more duties not always written on books, even in the csm diary, ability to motivate and inspire the cadets, and to be there for them whenever they needed guidance..

i moved on to martin's part, the sec2s, residing in the sec 1 block in an attempt not to disrupt the spa.. goddamn, our whole training is screwed.. but no matter, its not the place tht matters most, is wad u do with tht place tht defines your capabilities. they were tokin bout specs course already and yeah, of coz its good, but something is wrong.. the part was always good until martin took over and i am very sure it'snt martin's fault.. its the fault bout respect, martin is always the "goodie-two-shoes" kinda person, but tht isnt wrong at all, isit? he is wad he is, and nobody is gonna change him, its juz tht he cannot exert his leadership like how previous udis tht took the part did, and i always tell him, like wad my msn nick says, they chose u for a reason, have faith in urselves.. i tok to him lots of times, to reassure him, tht respect is not all bout shouting, not all bout scoldin and tekanning. tht is not respect, tht is some enforce respect, its more of fear than respect, ben told us be4, tht our post is, no.1 - wad we are capable to do, and no.2 - somethin tht will help us find our true self more, our weaknesses our strengths... the part was barely listening to him and some of them do wad they wanted, not giving martin the due expectation of a part c cadet. so i came and tried to enforce a little, things needa be done.. i went there, and shouted for their attention, " PART C!", at first no one cares.. one more time, they started "diaming", some answered "yes, encik!", then a last time to signal to them for their responses, and yes, everyone answered.. this part was almost better than us when we were in part c, i wonder why they had become this state of defiance, they were still good, judging by their abilities, but nope, they are too much of themselves now.. but i noe, and i hav the fullest confidence, tht martin can bring bac the real them soon..

so enough of the various part, the day got even darker, i barely had time to tok to even one part, wad with the rule tht training MUST stop at 6.. but of course, the parents are worry too and we hav to take into account of tht.. it was jus too early.. and it was already 5.30.. i will make do with the part as first, the sec 1s.. so yea, tok to them for awhile, zul tok to them too and jovian popped by.. it was already 5.50.. i noe i will get into trouble already.. they hav to go bac by 6 and we haven done the dismissal parade too.. got bac to the parade square, i saw mr low, dressed in his ncc uniform waiting for us, wad's more the sec 1s ran by the ncc air dismissal parade, makin it very noisy.. double damn... and of coz, gave me hell of a lecture in the middle of the parade.. it was my first parade and we made a few changes to it, i screwed it quite a bit after the lecture, tellin me tht i will not do this again, tht i hav to keep the time, if not who does?.. and he wanted to tok to them too, so the parade will hav to not as wad we hav planned.. i forgotten the format and nearly dismissed them be4 havin a prayer..

so yes, things didnt go all tht nice, and its worth bloggin here becoz it is of significance.. i learnt lots more things tht only experience can give, exp as a csm.. its one hell of a post but i noe i am most capable of it and i will get the most out of it in the end, like wad ben said..

"Part As, ncc is not bout drills, physical trainings, mental challenges, tekanning, and diaming, ncc is not only about leadership, teamwork, enthusiasm, discipline and all those nice, big, big words, ncc is about that and finding ur own true self, ur weaknesses and strengths.. thru the four years, its not only bout preparation for ns, is about bonding with ur friends, bout the mental torture we face, the betrayal and the power hunger we feel from our own partmates, the happiness of achieving, and the sadness of failing and fear of not being discovered.. All this will prepare you for life in society now and nxt time.. ncc is not fun, it is more than fun...."

2005-09-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

already the 20th post, i began to feel much easier & comfortable to put down wad i hav gone thru, wad i hav learnt and juz wad crap is goin thru my mind, like other bloggers everywhr in the world.. i rmb the first time i settle down tryin to start joining the club of bloggin, it was no big annoucement or entrance to me startin a blog.. i clicked a few buttons and there i was, got my own one.. no one knows at first and i rmb how i spend nearly an hour completin my first entry.. i didn noe whr to start, how to end, i thought a million ppl will be lookin at my blog and yes, i dream quite alot.. then i started practically "reading" thru the template, tryin to make some sense from them, some i did, some got me all mad, later, some of my buddies told me my entries were inspiring, tht was wad are really wanted to achieve in my life at tht time, mayb even now, to help others the best tht i can, tht was how i landed as a csm from wad ben said.. he said he rather choose me to be a csm than a part i/c, so tht i can inspire the whole company instead of juz a part.. then i thought, even my blog can reach out to some ppl somehow, it was cool, and i began writing more.. some ppl think i wrote too much, but all the same, i hav to write, i hav to express myself somehow..

after awhile, it wasnt any big deal afterall, with so many other commitments at hand.. i feel more away from this space than last time.. i rmb bloggin everyday last time, even addin some quotes, now mayb a week once..quotes are even more extinct.. but every entry i put in, tht's part of me really, and lookin at the tags in that otherwise dead rectangular tagboard, i jus feel so great tht they are ppl who spare their time, typin e url and reading thru my posts, and actually replies to them sometimes.. think wad i can do is to do the same too, no matter how insignificant a tag mayb, i think those tagged will feel really acknowledged somehow..

as i continue playin around this blog, i hope tht in the end, i will gain somethin from this experience..somethin positive and i think i hav already succeeded in finding it.. u guys readin this will surely know wad bloggin had already done for you.. ppl i know hav blogged far longer than me, so yea.. i hope my purpose will be met but even if it is not, i knew i had fun in the end.

happy birthday mom, u are gettin old. haha.. no particular words is enough to summarise who you are, nothing can replace you for who you are to me, esp. these few months of joy, frustration, anguish, sadness, all sorts of things we had gone thru and havin you being there for me without fail, i will be a different me without u, trust me..

so today is nothing special, coz everyday is.. thanks for being thr for me..

2005-08-30T19:33:00.000+08:00

I stepped forward and walked towards the interview room. I didnt took notice of how i feel particularly, i just thought to myself, 'what needed to be done have to be done." It was a few weeks before the Annual Parade and it was just like an ordinary recess period. Just a few moments ago, nigel and i was together outside the staff room, both silent, wondering about everything in the world..he looked pretty relaxed, i think i was too..

Mr Sirhan had just appeared and asked anyone of us in. So yes, jus get this over and done with.. I went in after that. It was cool, this was my fifth interview with an adult so far and by far the best. i thought it will be the usual "why you think you are capable of being ...; what makes you special...?? etc.." Nope, not this time. He started off like an old friend, how's life in sji this 3 years.. and of course asked me bout my particulars, what's my cca.. class.. then asked bout my post in ncc nxt time.. i looked him in the eye, and told him "csm", finished off with a stupid smile. haha.. i wasnt really prepared to being a csm last time, and whenever anyone ask me or tok to me bout my post, i will shun away from the topic.. I thought i was abit too ego, but i pressed on.. He was stern for awhile, then finally broke the silence, returning the same friendly gesture.. "you wanna be like jovian huh? sec 3 then become?" i smiled, i got his meaning there.. and juz barely3 minutes, i ended off with a nice topic bout Annual Parade..

That was the prefect's interview i had quite a long time ago. Now i looked back, i seen some changes already from the kaichuen just weeks ago.. i remembered how inconfident i was last time, how even when i was told i was getting the outstanding nco and still hav doubts bout being a csm.. then i forgot almost everything bout the prefect incident, ncc took the main stage after the interview..

then came today, mr sydney tan made an annoucement bout the new prefects stuff.. kept me moving a little, but i was prepared already.. no more like the time when i cant get a psf.. i told myself once in a while, tht i am already the student leader of my cca, tht i already hav tht big responsibility weighing over me.. if i really cant get it, juz meant tht there's a reason behind it.. everything tht happens comes with a reason, tht doesnt mean there is always a good reason though.. and of course, i heard from rod and jian hao few days back bout the new prefects, they made it sound like i was in it and when i approached them they juz refused to tell..but their expressions show it all.. and so juz before recess, nigel and i went strolling across the parade square, towards the prefectorial notice board.. toking bout the many responsibilties and positions we are holding already..i thought back, bac to the old pri sch days, the lower sec life, the times when i couldnt give a damn bout anythin but play.. but of course, i prefer havin responsibilities than juz wandering around in life, and still be able to help my alma mater one way or another.. still, i will wanna relive my old self one day, the carefree me..

Written on an A4 size paper, i saw my name bolded, together with some other new prefects, nigel and yiuleung.. yep, i jus got myself another commitment, but i feel one step "completed" already.. i hav been recognized further by the staffs in school..and i feel really touched tht still there are ppl living in the same world as i am acceptin me and entrusting to me.. its all bout those acceptance and recognition thing.. its really heartwarmin sometimes to know tht someone somewhr hav you in mind.. we looked at the paper, smiled once to each other, and headed bac to class, like an ordinary day but with a tinge less cloud, more light, more hope..

Thanks Ms Periasamy, Mr Low, and other teachers for givin me this one-time opportunity to practice servant leadership in a whole new way.. thanks for being there for me, showin the way to another door in my life.. i will open it with all the "power" i have as i embarked on the never-changing everlasting journey towards discovery..

2005-08-29T20:05:00.000+08:00

I looked back at my previous post several times. i tell myself sometimes, " i cant believe i wrote with such determination, this would nv happen". other times i tell myself, "hey, tht's me few days ago, i must stick to what i say, becoz tht is a part of me still.." These two thoughts always crosses my mind when i think bout the fye.however, the first thought always triumphs. Juz a few days after wad i blogged, mr lui started broodin over the same thing. but it seems so stagnant now, i dun see anyone tokin bout the fye at all.. am i overly worried bout it? still, till now, i hardly really started mugging, as other aspects of my life keep blocking my path to sit on the hardly-used chair in my room and start opening...maybe a Chemistry TYS.. but i hope tht no more am i gonna juz stay stagnant forever, i still hav a promise to keep to..

as my headache continues to throb, and my body endurance starts to wander abit, the english paper draws near, its now or never, not a second chance at all.. i will prove myself once again, but juz sayin will not help, i hav to do it, the results hav to be there.. i will keep low for now..